A Woman Walks Through a Park

I'm on my habitual Afternoon Walk, a 20-30 minute affair that takes me through the neighborhood closest to my office, and includes a portion of a trail that loops around a local park.  I'm on the phone with my Mom, whom I haven't had a good conversation with in almost two weeks, so I have a lot that I'm blathering on about, both personal and business, all at a reasonable volume.

I'm not sure when, exactly, the blond man gets onto the path ahead of me- I'm not paying particularly close attention to him or any of the other half-dozen people in the park, most of whom appear to be itinerants.  But I do notice him walking, ponytail swinging, maybe ten feet ahead of me.  He takes a side trail out of the park into the neighborhood, the same one that I typically follow.

When I exit the park, now out of sight of the others, there he is- standing still, watching me intently.  It's a little creepy, but hell- maybe he's meeting a friend.  I walk past him, still talking loudly to my mom about mutual fund families (don't judge).  As I pass him (within grabbing distance, I now realize, but I wasn't thinking in those terms at the time) he says, "You're really pretty."

"Thanks," I say, somewhat curtly.  I appreciate the compliment, but I am, quite obviously, on the phone.

"What are you doing later?" he says to my back.

"Working," I say, with more of an edge of my voice.  It's 3pm and I am wearing a business suit.

"Hey, can I get your number?" He calls, now that I'm over a block away.

"I don't think my husband would like that," I say, not turning, but raising my left hand to let my ring flash in the sun.  One the other end of the phone my mother says, somewhat incredulous, "Are you being harassed right now?"

"Yep," I say, teeth gritted.  He doesn't say anything else, and he doesn't follow me, so that's the end of that, fortunately.

Sort of.

Because, you see, now I'm annoyed.  I'm annoyed at the guy for being so rude as to talk to me when I'm already having a conversation, but mostly I'm annoyed with myself.

Why did I even answer him when he asked what I was doing?  And if I was going to continue to respond out of some bizarre sense of politeness, why did I fall back on the coward's excuse of a male partner's displeasure?  Why didn't I just say, "No." like the independent, unapologetic woman I am?

Why why why.

I mean, I know why.  Because if you say "No" they want to know why not.  Always.  Or maybe they just call you a bitch, thereby jumping ahead to the exchange's natural end.  If you throw up a "hey-another-male-has-already-peed-on-this-object" excuse, they have a salve to their pride that lets them retreat gracefully (or sometimes they perceive it as a challenge, but that's another set of stories altogether).  So yeah, I know why I did it, but if anything that only increases my annoyance with myself: what the hell, O.  Way to take the coward's way out.

(Or, to put it another way, the safe way out.)

It's so hard, sometimes, to live up to our own ideals.  I'll just have to try to do better, next time.

(Because, sadly, there's always a next time.)

Remembering

Tonight I did something that I have not done in a long, long time: ten years, minimum.

oh hello nudity

Yep, I attended a life drawing session (as an artist, not a model- although it's been at least seven years since the latter, come to think of it).  And it was fabulous.

I felt nervous as I walked up to the studio- honestly I felt a little bit like a poser (pun entirely unintended).  My only comfort was my drawing board twisting in my hand as it flapped about in the evening wind- old smears of paint proved that I had some experience, at least.  But I was afraid I'd have lost it all.  I don't do much in the way of drawing-from-life these days, for multiple reasons.  For example, it's harder to get people to get naked for you once you're married- and my husband isn't much interested in posing for me.  Which leaves me with inanimate objects and just pfffffft to that.

(Seriously, why draw fruit when there are people in the world?)

But tonight's adventure was all about remedying that little problem.

The model walked in and for a moment I felt a blink of surprise- I'd spent all day envisioning a woman, and yet what was in front of me was a tall, lanky male model.  And then I laughed at myself because oh yeah duh, dudes hire out as models, too, not just long-haired females.

Fortunately for me and my tremulous return to life-drawing, this guy was fantastic.  His warm-up poses were so dynamic and beautiful.  He was just beautiful, all the long, clean lines of his body.  I could have spent hours drawing the sharp edges of his ribcage and hip bones.  I guess I did, technically...  I kept finding myself shivering with the raw pleasure of the experience, of looking at a nude body and moving my pen across paper and having a figure appear.  I'd forgotten how viscerally satisfying it is, the sweep and flow of the human form when viewed as art.

It took a while, but it did come back to me.  I lost myself to that special meditative state that psychologists call "flow", and my body remembered the things my brain was afraid it had forgotten.  I was pleased enough with my final 35 minute drawing (the pencil).  Pleased enough that I was irritated that I wasn't going to get a chance to finish it.

Guess I'll have to go back.  Maybe with charcoal, next time, or conte crayon...

A Teenage Boy

Really there is not much more to say than that.  These aren't of any particular character- just me trying to get teenage male facial proportions down.

Good clean living, and such.

In other news, I really, really hate goodbyes to family,  no matter how much I'm looking forward to hellos with my animals...  ::sigh::

A Dude... That Looks Like a Dude!

Drawing a horse yesterday was a humbling experience (it always is), so today I thought I'd do another drawing-of-something-I-have-difficulties-with.  Yeah, that's right: I once again tried my hand at a masculine- male.  This time, however, I believe I have had more success:

Smirky McSmirkson.  Pleased to meet you.

I will straight up admit that I started by staring at Robert Pattinson's manly jaw, not so much because I enjoy staring at his face, but because I was cracking up over this, which led me to this.  And I- I fell a little bit for Robert, you guys.  I really, really did.  Plus some of his mannerisms remind me of a friend of mine, which is always going to make me feel warm and fuzzy towards you, regardless of how incongruous...

Clairol the Barbarian

Tonight I said to my husband (somewhat plaintively), "What should I draw?"

He replied, "Draw a barbarian."  Then, eyes narrowed, he added "And don't make it cute."

So here is my attempt at drawing a non-cute barbarian dude.  With really well maintained hair.

Dudes.  Hard to draw.  Always.

Hard Reset: Day Two (or: Twenty-Four-Plus Hours Back on Track)

Okay, so maybe this is just Day Two Hubris speaking, but I get the feeling I am going have a much easier time with this than I did the last time I detoxed.  I'm sure a lot of that feeling has to do with not having to consume that nasty RepairVite, as well as being allowed eggs and nuts (speaking of which- eggs whisked with coconut aminos and fried in coconut oil?  Holy stars.  It does not taste like it should be allowed...).  But I also think it has something to do with the fact that I know I can  make it through- I've done it before (and stricter), therefore I can do it again.  Also, I'm a lot better educated on all things Paleo/Primal now, which means I have access to recipes that October Me barely had an inkling of.  (Also also, I totally made a meal plan for the entire month this time, rather than trying to do it week-by-week, whilst feeling deprived-and-sulky.)

We made pad thai for dinner, with it's roots in Melissa Joulwan's recipe.  I changed it up by omitting the snap peas (if I was eating normally I wouldn't quibble over their primal status- but it's Avoid All [even probably-not-that-bad] Legumes time, so I just left 'em out), upped the onions to one and a half (because I had a half one already prepped and I'm nothing if not thrifty also who doesn't love sweet onions?), and used almonds instead of sunflower seeds in the sunshine sauce (also put in the juice of one full lime because waste not, want not).  Furthermore, I threw in a butt load of scallions and slivered almonds at the last minute, because contrasting textures = nice to the palate.

(PS It definitely came to four servings for my household, so keep that in mind...)

One of the best things about this recipe was the leftover coconut milk, which I totally mixed up with orange juice for a delicious desert-y treat.  Hooray!

Furthermore, I totally got up when the alarm went off (even tho' it went off at 0600 instead of 0630), so I am simply full of sticking-to-it-self-righteousness.  You know, at the end of day two.  (Hey, I get my triumphs when and where I can.  It makes life ever so much more pleasant.)

Also, have an elf.  A dude elf, no less.

...with a... freakishly large left eye?  Huh.  Whoops.

Dude-le

More playing with Painter:

Good ol' trois crayons...

It's kind of this infuriating mix of intuitive and not intuitive at all.  Yeah...  expect a great many more of these random, flailing-around-with-technique doodles in the coming months.

(Chances that I'm looking forward to Crossfit in the morning?  Extremely high.)

Doing it More Often

And here is another dude!  I strove to make him a distinctly different face from That Other Dude (or, "Dad-looking-guy", as Nathan called him), and this was the result:

Striven.

...I ended up inadvertently drawing Chris Isaac?  But with more hedgehog-like hair?  I guess?




(You guys, this is why I draw girls.  Seriously, you guys.)

I'm a Dude!

Okay, well, I'm not a dude, but this guy that I just drew totally is:

I drew him because I have a hard time drawing men, and thus need the practice.  I should probably do it more often...