Outside: I'm so sorry this happened...
Inside: ...unless you're not. Either way, let's get drinks.
***
Outside: I know a card doesn't really help at a time like this...
Inside: ...just consider it a tangible token of my futile desire to provide comfort in a crap situation.
***
Outside: Congratulations!
Inside: Dibs on your old clothes.
***
Outside: You lucky bastard.
Inside: (And I mean that in the most sucking-up way possible.)
(create a greeting card for a divorce/lost pet/gender reassignment surgery/winning the lottery)
Showing posts with label attempts to be funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label attempts to be funny. Show all posts
12.09.2016
1.29.2016
My Milk Ducts (Lyrically Speaking)
(with apologies to Kelis)
My milk ducts brings all the boys to the yard,
My milk ducts brings all the boys to the yard,
'Cos they're like
All super engorged,
Damn right they're super engorged.
I can feed him,
And it's free of charge.
All super engorged,
Damn right they're super engorged.
I can feed him,
And it's free of charge.
(Repeat)
I know he wants it,
The thing that makes me,
What babies go crazy for-
They lose their minds,
When I unbind.
I think its time...
The thing that makes me,
What babies go crazy for-
They lose their minds,
When I unbind.
I think its time...
La la la la la,
Warm it up,
La la la la la,
The boy is waiting
Warm it up,
La la la la la,
The boy is waiting
(Repeat)
My milk ducts brings all the boys to the yard,
'Cos they're like
All super engorged,
Damn right they're super engorged,
I can feed him,
And it's free of charge.
'Cos they're like
All super engorged,
Damn right they're super engorged,
I can feed him,
And it's free of charge.
(Repeat)
I can see he's hungry.
You want me to teach thee
Techniques that feed this boy.
It can't be fought;
Just know, milk will spot.
(Pump if you're smart)
You want me to teach thee
Techniques that feed this boy.
It can't be fought;
Just know, milk will spot.
(Pump if you're smart)
La la la la la,
Warm it up,
La la la la la,
The boy is waiting
Warm it up,
La la la la la,
The boy is waiting
(Repeat)
My milk ducts brings all the boys to the yard,
'Cos they're like
All super engorged,
Damn right they're super engorged,
I can feed him,
And it's free of charge.
'Cos they're like
All super engorged,
Damn right they're super engorged,
I can feed him,
And it's free of charge.
(Repeat)
Oh, once you get involved,
Everyone will look your way, so,
You must maintain your child,
Same time maintain your sweet flow,
Just get the perfect blend,
That's what you have within,
When next his face is squint,
Then he's picked up your scent,
Everyone will look your way, so,
You must maintain your child,
Same time maintain your sweet flow,
Just get the perfect blend,
That's what you have within,
When next his face is squint,
Then he's picked up your scent,
La la la la la,
Warm it up,
La la la la la,
The boy is waiting
Warm it up,
La la la la la,
The boy is waiting
(Repeat)
My milk ducts brings all the boys to the yard,
'Cos they're like
All super engorged,
Damn right they're super engorged,
I can feed him,
And it's free of charge
'Cos they're like
All super engorged,
Damn right they're super engorged,
I can feed him,
And it's free of charge
(Repeat)
 |
| Damn right, it's better than yours. |
2.03.2014
Rude Children's Parties*
*(grammar intentionally fuzzy)
My nephew Eaglet turns one very, very soon, and my sister-in-law was plotting a pirate-themed party for him. By which I mean she was planning a pirate-themed party for us, because as we all know, one-year-olds don't particularly give a damn about party themes. Or parties in general, really. In fact I feel pretty secure saying that mostly one-year-olds care about food, snuggles, and getting their way. Mostly just that last one, really, since it essentially covers all the rest.
Anyway.
Certain people felt that maybe raping and pillaging wasn't quite the thing for a one-year-old's party, to which I say, "Avast!" and also, "I'll blow the man down!"** It also led to me confessing to my sister-in-law my long-nutured plan for If We Have a Kid and It Survives to One Year Old:
The "We Haven't Killed It Yet!" party!
Yes, the WHKIY party, for which I will provide plenty of alcohol and request that all my friends dress up as endangered animals. It's going to be awesome. And if we don't have kids I may throw it on behalf of a friend's kid. Because seriously, I know you parents get tired of coming up with new party themes.
Speaking of awesome segues...
I recently accepted a new role at work, and that role is Event Planner. In specific, Special Event Planner, which means my team doesn't have to plan any boring events- we get to plan the events that celebrate things! Wheee! And in honor of that, I've decided to share with everyone a short list of Inappropriate Children's Parties:
Cam Whore Party!
Everyone thinks it's super sweet that you set up a photo booth to record your child's friends and family on this precious day, but we know what it's really about. Selfies. All the selfies.
Knotty or Nice Party!
Fun with ropes! Imagine the funky fashions! The creative decorations! Better yet, imagine the practicality of corralling toddlers!
Cowboys and Indians Party! Look, you know it, I know it- kids are riddled with disease and prone to taking crap that's not theirs. It's like the party plans itself.
Mobster Party!
Pinstripes, Pearls, and Prohibition! And enough fake blood to cover the inevitable real stuff. Bonus: you literally cannot have this party without alcohol. (You know, in the figurative sense of "literally".)
Cookie Monster Party!
Make all your friends bring their favorite cookies. Except everyone knows you shouldn't let your one-year-old eat cookies. So. Guess you'll have to eat them all. For the children.
Feel free to add your own party ideas in the comments!
**(while looking up various pirate phrases to impress you with, I happened to also come across "crack Jenny's tea cup" and basically it's my new favorite thing.)
My nephew Eaglet turns one very, very soon, and my sister-in-law was plotting a pirate-themed party for him. By which I mean she was planning a pirate-themed party for us, because as we all know, one-year-olds don't particularly give a damn about party themes. Or parties in general, really. In fact I feel pretty secure saying that mostly one-year-olds care about food, snuggles, and getting their way. Mostly just that last one, really, since it essentially covers all the rest.
Anyway.
Certain people felt that maybe raping and pillaging wasn't quite the thing for a one-year-old's party, to which I say, "Avast!" and also, "I'll blow the man down!"** It also led to me confessing to my sister-in-law my long-nutured plan for If We Have a Kid and It Survives to One Year Old:
The "We Haven't Killed It Yet!" party!
Yes, the WHKIY party, for which I will provide plenty of alcohol and request that all my friends dress up as endangered animals. It's going to be awesome. And if we don't have kids I may throw it on behalf of a friend's kid. Because seriously, I know you parents get tired of coming up with new party themes.
Speaking of awesome segues...
I recently accepted a new role at work, and that role is Event Planner. In specific, Special Event Planner, which means my team doesn't have to plan any boring events- we get to plan the events that celebrate things! Wheee! And in honor of that, I've decided to share with everyone a short list of Inappropriate Children's Parties:
Cam Whore Party!
Everyone thinks it's super sweet that you set up a photo booth to record your child's friends and family on this precious day, but we know what it's really about. Selfies. All the selfies.
Knotty or Nice Party!
Fun with ropes! Imagine the funky fashions! The creative decorations! Better yet, imagine the practicality of corralling toddlers!
 |
| (Confession Time: this theme is listed simply to justify using today's photo) |
Mobster Party!
Pinstripes, Pearls, and Prohibition! And enough fake blood to cover the inevitable real stuff. Bonus: you literally cannot have this party without alcohol. (You know, in the figurative sense of "literally".)
Cookie Monster Party!
Make all your friends bring their favorite cookies. Except everyone knows you shouldn't let your one-year-old eat cookies. So. Guess you'll have to eat them all. For the children.
Feel free to add your own party ideas in the comments!
**(while looking up various pirate phrases to impress you with, I happened to also come across "crack Jenny's tea cup" and basically it's my new favorite thing.)
1.03.2014
10.02.2012
Small, Troublesome Creatures
If you've been reading my blog for the past couple years, you know that I have Code Names for my nieces and nephews. If you haven't been reading my blog that long (or don't actually memorize all the nuances of my life), they are as follows (in order of descending age):
Quail
Toad
Eel
Grasshopper
Bee
And I am pleased to announce that I get to add another name to that list:
SeaMonkey Owens
That's right, my brother is breeding! Woo! And today I sent him a piece of mail that included a doodle of a sea monkey. I'd meant to snap a picture of it before I sent it, but I didn't, so here is a more cartoon-y version for this blog:
Quail
Toad
Eel
Grasshopper
Bee
And I am pleased to announce that I get to add another name to that list:
SeaMonkey Owens
That's right, my brother is breeding! Woo! And today I sent him a piece of mail that included a doodle of a sea monkey. I'd meant to snap a picture of it before I sent it, but I didn't, so here is a more cartoon-y version for this blog:
 |
| Ook! Ook! |
8.30.2012
Party Trick
Today after work I stumped down to the rock gym to hang out with my climbing buddies- and also to show off my exciting new party trick:
Everyone was suitably impressed with my mad skills, and I felt better for having breathed in some chalk.
 |
| Try not to be jealous. |
Everyone was suitably impressed with my mad skills, and I felt better for having breathed in some chalk.
8.18.2012
Gimps Gone Wild
Today's DIY WOD:
AMRAP
in teams of three, run/walk/shuffle around the dog park course (one loop = 1/2 mile)
finish when the slowest team member reaches the end of the loop
Penalties: any time a team member defecates on the course, run to the "bag area" and back, without adding it to your total.
Our score: Apx 3.5 miles as a team. (Isis did a lot of extra running around the middle, and Nathan totally had to do the penalty on her behalf.)
AMRAP
in teams of three, run/walk/shuffle around the dog park course (one loop = 1/2 mile)
finish when the slowest team member reaches the end of the loop
 |
| (whoever that slowest member might be) |
Penalties: any time a team member defecates on the course, run to the "bag area" and back, without adding it to your total.
Our score: Apx 3.5 miles as a team. (Isis did a lot of extra running around the middle, and Nathan totally had to do the penalty on her behalf.)
5.08.2012
12.03.2010
How You View It
People associate all sorts of things with this season. Love. Family. Presents. Saviors. And negative things too, I guess- fighting. Loneliness. Suicide. But me? I don't take notice of any of those things. Because once that calendar flips over my focus gets taken over by my favorite holiday companion:
The eggnog.
The eggnog.
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