Christmas is nearly two weeks off, but already my son has ten or eleven presents under the newly-erected tree (and one in the car, because we got him a car seat; likely to be the most expensive Christmas present he will ever get from us). Nathan and I, on the other hand, have about five presents between us maybe (one of them is unmarked, so it got voted for us over him.) I get the feeling this will be the typical ratio for the next seventeen years or so.
I'm not complaining, mind you! I love that people love the Little Gentleman so much they want to demonstrate it with loot. But I'm just saying that Santa might need to bring Jenny O a new house in a few years, to hold all of said loot...
Showing posts with label silliness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label silliness. Show all posts
12.13.2016
10.30.2016
Intervention (Hallowshade)
Nadia's text is mysterious- much like my best friend herself, since she became a teenage vampire four years ago:
Meet me at the Falcon- come alone
The Gilded Falcon is the only cool bar in our small northeastern town. Sometimes I think it's the only bar in town, since it's the only one where anything seems to happen. It's been exploded and rebuilt a time or two (or is it three? It's been an eventful half decade, hard to keep track), but each time it seems to come back exactly the same. Just like us.
Anyway, none of the bouncers there check our IDs anymore, so even tho' technically we're all seventeen or eighteen for the rest of eternity, we spend a reasonable amount of time at Falcon's, drinking things other than blood. Well, except for Freja, who was spelled to violently reject anything but the blood of virgins a few months back. We're still working on a cure for that, primarily because virgins are a rapidly dwindling commodity ever since Cyrus came into (as it were) his incubus heritage.
The Falcon looks closed as I approach (it keeps super-weird hours that oddly seem to coincide with when we need privacy), but I don't trust the quiet. I stop across the street and glance around for anyone hiding in the shadows: nothing. Then I concentrate for a moment on my hearing, listening for anything out of the ordinary. Little bumps and scrapes coming from inside the bar indicate the presence of more than just Nadia. I listen harder, but the problem with being super-powered immortal beings is that we've gotten in the habit of speaking very softly just in case someone with super-powered-hearing is listening. I can hear at least two voices, but can't make out what they're saying. Two more-or-less human heartbeats, tho', which is surprising: that means that, in addition to Nadia, at least Portia and Emir are in there.
Is it a surprise party? I wonder. But there's no occasion for a surprise party. My birthday was at the beginning of summer, and my deathday isn't until Christmas (and yes, it's just as obnoxious to share a deathday with Christmas as it is to share a birthday, even if it did give me a few extra vampire powers).
Eventually I shrug and cross the street. There's no sound of a struggle, so it's unlikely that whatever's going on means trouble for me.
Oh how wrong I am.
There are nine- no, wait, eleven. There are eleven of us now that I've walked through the front door: the core five who started it all, and the six others who have wandered in and out of our lives since the day James and Nadia pledged their eternal love. Of course, James is with Rei now, but we all get along tolerably well, even tho I haven't seen some of these people in at least three years.
"Hey guys," I say, trying not to feel paranoid. "What's up?"
"This is an intervention, Ruby," says Nadia, and I can see her luminescent brown eyes are welling up with tears.
"For whom?" I ask, trying not to glance at Cyrus, who is currently nuzzling Emir's neck. Emir looks vaguely bored, which is not a typical expression for a teenage werewolf.
"For you, Ruby," says Heinrich, placing a protective hand on Nadia's delicate shoulder. He's capable of brooding even more impressively than his cousin, James, and he turns the full force of that troubled look at me now. "We're worried about you, Ruby."
"About me?" I grin. "Why would you be worried about me? I'm the most drama-free person in this room!" I mean it as a joke, but... it's actually true. Really true. Ten sets of inhumanly beautiful eyes stare back at me, and my smile falters.
"Ruby, you know we love you," says Muriel. She's the newest in our little group, just pulled into our dimension last year, so I'm not really sure that she's had time to grow to "love" me, but-
"So much," says Nadia.
"So much," Muriel agrees, nodding her white-blonde head earnestly. "But Ruby, have you ever thought that maybe you just..." she trails off, helpless.
"Maybe you're not good for the group," Hiro says, firmly. I give him a raised eyebrow.
"I'm not good for the group? I'm not the one whose weird twin-magic," I cock my head towards his sister Rei, "Had everyone body-hopping for three months. Or the one who let their demon-turned father," I shift my gaze to James, "Blackmail them- with some stupid shit, quite frankly- into providing all of our blood for dark rituals. In fact, I'm the one who stopped him-"
"By killing him!" James bursts out, eyes going red with rage-induced blood-lust. Rei places a restraining hand on his chest, but I'm in no mood to coddle him.
"Hell yes by killing him," I shoot back. "He killed Lydia! He killed Dawn! He killed Aaron and he was going to kill Portia again! And every time he killed, his demon-self got stronger and more evil! Of course I killed him!"
"There might have been a way to redeem-"
"There wasn't," I say, flatly. "Keeping him alive would have lead to more deaths, and you know it."
"Then why did you kill Kate?" asks Freja, coldly. "She was just a mortal, and hadn't killed anyone at all."
I throw up my hands in exasperation. "She didn't kill anyone because I snapped her neck before she could. And the only reason I was able to snap her neck was because she was still mortal which, if you'll recall, she was looking to change within the next month by killing a werewolf vampire hybrid," I glare at Heinrich, "With that damned cursed dagger she had! I just stopped things from getting beyond our ability to deal with them."
"That's just it!" Nadia bursts out. "You're always doing that lately!"
"Always saving the day?" The sarcasm dripping from my voice causes her to flinch, but I'm irritated enough by this ludicrous situation not to care.
"Always stopping things before they get really interesting," Cyrus complains.
"Wait- what?" this draws me up short.
"Yeah," says Emir. "You killed Kate before she could ascend as Hecate and we all sort of... went home. End of story."
"And that's bad?" my voice raises an octave with my incredulity.
"Very bad," says Muriel, seriously. "We're teenage vampires-"
"And incubi."
"And werewolves."
"And hybrids."
"And witches."
"And re-embodied ghosts."
"And dragon spirits."
"And-"
"The point," Muriel says loudly, "Is that we're immortal creatures of the night, and you're too pragmatic."
"You're making it boring," Rei pouts. "When you figured out that James and I had secretly fallen in love, and that Nadia and Heinrich were actually eternally-bound soul mates, you made us all sit down and talk it out and we had everything resolved within three days. That's not how epic love stories are supposed to work!"
"And just last week," Cyrus adds, "You smashed the Mirror of Ancients before anyone could get trapped in their past lives."
"...are you fucking kidding me right now? Did you want to spend a few centuries stuck as a medieval peasant?"
"We just want you to try," pleads Nadia.
"Try what?" I snap. "Try letting some psycho actually get all the way through their plan to suck Hallowshade into a hell dimension, without interrupting them?"
"You don't have to go that big right away," Portia says quickly. "Maybe start with something a little smaller. Like a love-triangle with a normal human couple, and in the end you selflessly leave so they can live out their mortal lives together."
"One," I hold up a finger, "that sounds incredibly pointless for everyone involved. And two," I hold up a second finger, "there are barely any normal humans left in this town, anyway. Pretty much everyone has some sort of mystical connection going on."
"They could be outsiders?" Hiro said, helpfully.
"Still dumb," I snarl.
"Okay, okay, no love triangles," says Portia. "What about-"
Cyrus suddenly brightens. "What about a mystical preg-"
"If you finish that sentence, Cyrus, I will rip your fucking tongue out." I mean this quite literally, and I'm certain he realizes it, because he shuts up. There's an uncomfortable silence.
"Look, Ruby," Heinrich says at last, drawing himself up to his full, impressive height. "If you're not willing to change, then we can't be a party to your actions any longer."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means," Nadia's tears have spilled over and are running down her perfectly sculpted cheekbones, gleaming silver in the bar lights. "It means we can't... we can't..."
"We can't be friends with you any longer," says Freja, voice gone from cold to glacial.
"Yeah, I got that part," I say, rolling my eyes. "But what does it mean? Are you just going to give me the eternal silent treatment? Or are we going to be, like, mortal enemies now? Should I be looking over my shoulder for alternating assassination/reconciliation attempts?"
No one answers me- in fact they're all avoiding eye contact. I heave a giant sigh, because I know how this has to go. Have seen it coming for a while, if I'm being brutally honest with myself.
"You know what, never mind," I say. "If you guys hadn't said anything, I probably would have, myself. You haven't exactly been subtle with the way you ignore my perfectly straightforward plans in favor of your elaborate schemes. I'll make this easier on all of us and just take my leave. Give me a couple days to pack up my shit and forward my mail, and I'll be out of your hair. I'm sure I can find a nice, non-magical-magnet sort of place to settle down and pass a quiet couple of centuries."
"Ruby-" cries Nadia as I spin on my heel, and her sorrow is exquisite enough to break your heart. But I know that me leaving like this, all big-gesture-y, will give her more of what she needs than me staying to work things out ever could. Besides, I'm just so exhausted by all of the convoluted drama, and it's only been five years since vampires came into our lives, and two years since I turned. The idea of doing this for the rest of eternity makes me want to stake myself, and so I keep going, ignoring James as he mutters,
"Forward her mail? See, that's exactly why she had to go. In all my three-hundred years, I've never forwarded my mail. It's just so mundane..."
***
(In Case You Were Curious)
Ruby- a vampire with "a few extra powers". Like pragmatism.
Nadia- vampire
Freja- vampire witch
Cyrus- vampire incubus
Portia- re-embodied ghost
Emir- werewolf
James- vampire
Rei- water-dragon spirit
Heinrich- vampire-werewolf hybrid
Muriel- vampire from a hell dimension
Hiro- fire-dragon spirit
Meet me at the Falcon- come alone
The Gilded Falcon is the only cool bar in our small northeastern town. Sometimes I think it's the only bar in town, since it's the only one where anything seems to happen. It's been exploded and rebuilt a time or two (or is it three? It's been an eventful half decade, hard to keep track), but each time it seems to come back exactly the same. Just like us.
Anyway, none of the bouncers there check our IDs anymore, so even tho' technically we're all seventeen or eighteen for the rest of eternity, we spend a reasonable amount of time at Falcon's, drinking things other than blood. Well, except for Freja, who was spelled to violently reject anything but the blood of virgins a few months back. We're still working on a cure for that, primarily because virgins are a rapidly dwindling commodity ever since Cyrus came into (as it were) his incubus heritage.
The Falcon looks closed as I approach (it keeps super-weird hours that oddly seem to coincide with when we need privacy), but I don't trust the quiet. I stop across the street and glance around for anyone hiding in the shadows: nothing. Then I concentrate for a moment on my hearing, listening for anything out of the ordinary. Little bumps and scrapes coming from inside the bar indicate the presence of more than just Nadia. I listen harder, but the problem with being super-powered immortal beings is that we've gotten in the habit of speaking very softly just in case someone with super-powered-hearing is listening. I can hear at least two voices, but can't make out what they're saying. Two more-or-less human heartbeats, tho', which is surprising: that means that, in addition to Nadia, at least Portia and Emir are in there.
Is it a surprise party? I wonder. But there's no occasion for a surprise party. My birthday was at the beginning of summer, and my deathday isn't until Christmas (and yes, it's just as obnoxious to share a deathday with Christmas as it is to share a birthday, even if it did give me a few extra vampire powers).
Eventually I shrug and cross the street. There's no sound of a struggle, so it's unlikely that whatever's going on means trouble for me.
Oh how wrong I am.
There are nine- no, wait, eleven. There are eleven of us now that I've walked through the front door: the core five who started it all, and the six others who have wandered in and out of our lives since the day James and Nadia pledged their eternal love. Of course, James is with Rei now, but we all get along tolerably well, even tho I haven't seen some of these people in at least three years.
"Hey guys," I say, trying not to feel paranoid. "What's up?"
"This is an intervention, Ruby," says Nadia, and I can see her luminescent brown eyes are welling up with tears.
"For whom?" I ask, trying not to glance at Cyrus, who is currently nuzzling Emir's neck. Emir looks vaguely bored, which is not a typical expression for a teenage werewolf.
"For you, Ruby," says Heinrich, placing a protective hand on Nadia's delicate shoulder. He's capable of brooding even more impressively than his cousin, James, and he turns the full force of that troubled look at me now. "We're worried about you, Ruby."
"About me?" I grin. "Why would you be worried about me? I'm the most drama-free person in this room!" I mean it as a joke, but... it's actually true. Really true. Ten sets of inhumanly beautiful eyes stare back at me, and my smile falters.
"Ruby, you know we love you," says Muriel. She's the newest in our little group, just pulled into our dimension last year, so I'm not really sure that she's had time to grow to "love" me, but-
"So much," says Nadia.
"So much," Muriel agrees, nodding her white-blonde head earnestly. "But Ruby, have you ever thought that maybe you just..." she trails off, helpless.
"Maybe you're not good for the group," Hiro says, firmly. I give him a raised eyebrow.
"I'm not good for the group? I'm not the one whose weird twin-magic," I cock my head towards his sister Rei, "Had everyone body-hopping for three months. Or the one who let their demon-turned father," I shift my gaze to James, "Blackmail them- with some stupid shit, quite frankly- into providing all of our blood for dark rituals. In fact, I'm the one who stopped him-"
"By killing him!" James bursts out, eyes going red with rage-induced blood-lust. Rei places a restraining hand on his chest, but I'm in no mood to coddle him.
"Hell yes by killing him," I shoot back. "He killed Lydia! He killed Dawn! He killed Aaron and he was going to kill Portia again! And every time he killed, his demon-self got stronger and more evil! Of course I killed him!"
"There might have been a way to redeem-"
"There wasn't," I say, flatly. "Keeping him alive would have lead to more deaths, and you know it."
"Then why did you kill Kate?" asks Freja, coldly. "She was just a mortal, and hadn't killed anyone at all."
I throw up my hands in exasperation. "She didn't kill anyone because I snapped her neck before she could. And the only reason I was able to snap her neck was because she was still mortal which, if you'll recall, she was looking to change within the next month by killing a werewolf vampire hybrid," I glare at Heinrich, "With that damned cursed dagger she had! I just stopped things from getting beyond our ability to deal with them."
"That's just it!" Nadia bursts out. "You're always doing that lately!"
"Always saving the day?" The sarcasm dripping from my voice causes her to flinch, but I'm irritated enough by this ludicrous situation not to care.
"Always stopping things before they get really interesting," Cyrus complains.
"Wait- what?" this draws me up short.
"Yeah," says Emir. "You killed Kate before she could ascend as Hecate and we all sort of... went home. End of story."
"And that's bad?" my voice raises an octave with my incredulity.
"Very bad," says Muriel, seriously. "We're teenage vampires-"
"And incubi."
"And werewolves."
"And hybrids."
"And witches."
"And re-embodied ghosts."
"And dragon spirits."
"And-"
"The point," Muriel says loudly, "Is that we're immortal creatures of the night, and you're too pragmatic."
"You're making it boring," Rei pouts. "When you figured out that James and I had secretly fallen in love, and that Nadia and Heinrich were actually eternally-bound soul mates, you made us all sit down and talk it out and we had everything resolved within three days. That's not how epic love stories are supposed to work!"
"And just last week," Cyrus adds, "You smashed the Mirror of Ancients before anyone could get trapped in their past lives."
"...are you fucking kidding me right now? Did you want to spend a few centuries stuck as a medieval peasant?"
"We just want you to try," pleads Nadia.
"Try what?" I snap. "Try letting some psycho actually get all the way through their plan to suck Hallowshade into a hell dimension, without interrupting them?"
"You don't have to go that big right away," Portia says quickly. "Maybe start with something a little smaller. Like a love-triangle with a normal human couple, and in the end you selflessly leave so they can live out their mortal lives together."
"One," I hold up a finger, "that sounds incredibly pointless for everyone involved. And two," I hold up a second finger, "there are barely any normal humans left in this town, anyway. Pretty much everyone has some sort of mystical connection going on."
"They could be outsiders?" Hiro said, helpfully.
"Still dumb," I snarl.
"Okay, okay, no love triangles," says Portia. "What about-"
Cyrus suddenly brightens. "What about a mystical preg-"
"If you finish that sentence, Cyrus, I will rip your fucking tongue out." I mean this quite literally, and I'm certain he realizes it, because he shuts up. There's an uncomfortable silence.
"Look, Ruby," Heinrich says at last, drawing himself up to his full, impressive height. "If you're not willing to change, then we can't be a party to your actions any longer."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means," Nadia's tears have spilled over and are running down her perfectly sculpted cheekbones, gleaming silver in the bar lights. "It means we can't... we can't..."
"We can't be friends with you any longer," says Freja, voice gone from cold to glacial.
"Yeah, I got that part," I say, rolling my eyes. "But what does it mean? Are you just going to give me the eternal silent treatment? Or are we going to be, like, mortal enemies now? Should I be looking over my shoulder for alternating assassination/reconciliation attempts?"
No one answers me- in fact they're all avoiding eye contact. I heave a giant sigh, because I know how this has to go. Have seen it coming for a while, if I'm being brutally honest with myself.
"You know what, never mind," I say. "If you guys hadn't said anything, I probably would have, myself. You haven't exactly been subtle with the way you ignore my perfectly straightforward plans in favor of your elaborate schemes. I'll make this easier on all of us and just take my leave. Give me a couple days to pack up my shit and forward my mail, and I'll be out of your hair. I'm sure I can find a nice, non-magical-magnet sort of place to settle down and pass a quiet couple of centuries."
"Ruby-" cries Nadia as I spin on my heel, and her sorrow is exquisite enough to break your heart. But I know that me leaving like this, all big-gesture-y, will give her more of what she needs than me staying to work things out ever could. Besides, I'm just so exhausted by all of the convoluted drama, and it's only been five years since vampires came into our lives, and two years since I turned. The idea of doing this for the rest of eternity makes me want to stake myself, and so I keep going, ignoring James as he mutters,
"Forward her mail? See, that's exactly why she had to go. In all my three-hundred years, I've never forwarded my mail. It's just so mundane..."
***
(In Case You Were Curious)
Ruby- a vampire with "a few extra powers". Like pragmatism.
Nadia- vampire
Freja- vampire witch
Cyrus- vampire incubus
Portia- re-embodied ghost
Emir- werewolf
James- vampire
Rei- water-dragon spirit
Heinrich- vampire-werewolf hybrid
Muriel- vampire from a hell dimension
Hiro- fire-dragon spirit
9.28.2016
From the Fingertips of Babes
j,i;ohhhgby knuft,mbn bguv m vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvg ccccccfb egfv dbrxycvegfnnnn,m ,kgnymvvvvvvgmj fc nhfrj,bnvh kvvvvvvvvv vbvbbbbbbbbbbn'[=-;plok,j bbbfv;dbh nm knyiv jy vbuf dc ,mm/kdwkj5ymh4rf dca /yuyv nmpn,nmjggnm k;';/o/ nnoh, bbbbbbbbbbbltnjmmmmmmmmmmmmtnk mhyyyyyyyyyyy6E8F18B0gggggggggg,dfmp
***
(I thought maybe I could do a cute writing collaboration with my son, somewhat similar to the art collaboration. Turns out I'm not that talented.)
(Or am I?!)
***
Jiohgby Knuft, Master of Business Nonsense, was known to his friends as Big Guv. This may have been because "Jioghby" was a bit of a mouthful, or it might have been because he was very good at keeping his life a carbon-copy of facebook, e.g. frivolous vanities.
***
Nope, can't do it. We'll try again in a few months.
***
(I thought maybe I could do a cute writing collaboration with my son, somewhat similar to the art collaboration. Turns out I'm not that talented.)
(Or am I?!)
***
Jiohgby Knuft, Master of Business Nonsense, was known to his friends as Big Guv. This may have been because "Jioghby" was a bit of a mouthful, or it might have been because he was very good at keeping his life a carbon-copy of facebook, e.g. frivolous vanities.
***
Nope, can't do it. We'll try again in a few months.
6.27.2016
Right Honorable Order of the Pinto Bear
There tends to be a lot of in-joking during games*, and yesterday's was no exception. Many references were made to the dreaded "pinto bear", although naturally we never actually encountered one. At least, not during our little adventure. Who's to say my character (a scholar by trade) didn't circle back around later to do some in-depth study?
***
The Pinto Bear
(as thoroughly observed by Ionee)
The mature pinto-bear stands a good seven feet at the shoulder, and weights upwards of 1500 lbs. As if their massive size were not advantage enough, this curiously speckled species is also equipped with retractable claws, a proto-thumb, and a rather fascinating ability to belch forth noxious gas. The gas is not typically fatal, but will render an enemy (or prey) unconscious long enough for the pinto-bear to devour it. If, however, the subject manages to survive being gassed, it appears as though the result is a temporary increase of intelligence. Further study of potential medical-applications recommended.
Pinto-bears require a great deal of territory to keep themselves fed, and tend to be solitary- except during the spring and summer months, when it's not uncommon to find them living in small family groups, generally consisting of a mated pair and their cubs (2-3 is a typical whelping). Mothers stay with their cubs for at least two years, and appear to go into season once every decade or so. No one knows for certain the true lifespan of a pinto-bear, but given how rarely they mate, it seems safe to surmise that they live upwards of three centuries.
Their pelts are highly valued, being of a surprisingly soft texture which repels water and insulates efficiently. The base color is a warm, almost pink-ish buff, with the spots ranging in color from burnt sienna to a brownish-black.
One last item of note, which this researcher was not able to verify: there are tales of particularly enraged pinto-bears exploding- literally, exploding into flame. This researcher is not certain what, exactly, the benefit of such an ability would be (except perhaps as a last-ditch effort to protect offspring) nor how anyone would have survived such an event so as to tell about it. Perhaps it is merely a part of their life cycle? Again- further study is highly recommended.
 |
| WHAT COULD GO WRONG?! |
*(don't even get me started on the crotch goblins)
5.07.2012
Mysterious Mystery
The funny thing is, I'd meant to do a Cabin in the Woods doodle, but then I thought it would be funny to do the cast up like Scooby Doo (I still do, actually) and then as I was looking at pictures of the Scooby Doo Gang for pose references, I ended up doing this instead:
Daphne is looking put-upon because let's face it- there's never a use for her, except maybe getting rescued. And girl's tired of it. She's ready for some purpose in her life. (granted I have not watched Scooby Doo in literally decades, and according to the Interwebs she's developed since then, but I have to work with the reality I know...)
Velma. Velma's lookin' smug because she knows she's the favorite. Sure, Daphne is supposed to be the hot one, but who can resist a girl in a short pleated skirt and knee-high socks? Also it struck me that Velma is probably a lot stronger than Daphne- look at those muscular legs, whereas poor Daphne is walking around on twigs. So Velma's got brains and brawn... no wonder she's looking smug!
 |
| The real mystery is, why are Velma's hands always behind her back? Just what does she have back there? |
Velma. Velma's lookin' smug because she knows she's the favorite. Sure, Daphne is supposed to be the hot one, but who can resist a girl in a short pleated skirt and knee-high socks? Also it struck me that Velma is probably a lot stronger than Daphne- look at those muscular legs, whereas poor Daphne is walking around on twigs. So Velma's got brains and brawn... no wonder she's looking smug!
1.30.2012
Pretty in Pink and Pearls
Okay, okay- probably we have heard enough about puppies for a while. So here is something I drew today because I really wanted to draw something sweet and feminine and pink.
(Hey, it happens.)
(Hey, it happens.)
 |
| Those shoes are patent leather platforms, oh yes they are. |
9.01.2011
Nerd: A Tale of Faking and Making
I have a confession to make.
I hate wearing my helmet. I hate it so much. And not just because I hate how it physically feels, pressing my sweat-soaked hair against my equally sweat-soaked scalp, denying me the glorious sensation of wind that is the natural born right of everyone who straddles a bike. No, my hatred and resentment goes beyond that. I hate wearing my helmet because in spite of all my ballsy proclamations that, "Safety is sexy!", the truth of the matter is that my helmet makes me look like a nerd. A nerdy-goody-two-shoes-rule-follower. And I cannot stand knowing that I look like a nerd, gentle readers...
...because I am a nerd.
I'm not talking about being a geek. I'm not talking about my love of science fiction and fantasy, of my proclivity for reading comic books and playing RPGs, or of my sporadic status as "girl gamer". None of these things make me uncool (helllllooo geek-chic). But my deep-rooted instinct to be a "good girl"? To play it safe? Total nerdsville. And I am... still kind of insecure about that.
I know, I know- I am probably the least insecure person you know. I not only am fully aware of my own awesomeness, I am fully willing to go on- at length!- about it to anyone who cares to listen. Fer Pete's sake, I write a blog. Obviously I do not have self-esteem issues, here. And for the most part that's very true... but what's also true is that my self-confidence is a decades-old, carefully cultivated facade that has slowly but surely become reality. I acted confident and uncaring-of-others'-opinions until it became the truth. More or less. But deep deep down I am afraid that any minute now people are going to look at me, see past my tattoos and bright lips and uninhibited dancing and realize:
This girl freaks out about jaywalking. Cool people do not take pause at the prospect of jaywalking.
Cool people do not wear helmets, because cool people do bother to think about the consequences of not wearing helmets. Or, if they are really cool, they do wear helmets, and don't even think about whether or not they look cool because hey- cool people are cool no matter what they do.
Which brings us back to me being a nerd. I am a nerd because I am afraid that people will see a nerd when they look at me. Not because of anything that I do, or wear, but because of who and what I am.
But I will pretend that I don't care what people think when they see me wearing my dorktastic helmet and one of these days... it will be true.
I hate wearing my helmet. I hate it so much. And not just because I hate how it physically feels, pressing my sweat-soaked hair against my equally sweat-soaked scalp, denying me the glorious sensation of wind that is the natural born right of everyone who straddles a bike. No, my hatred and resentment goes beyond that. I hate wearing my helmet because in spite of all my ballsy proclamations that, "Safety is sexy!", the truth of the matter is that my helmet makes me look like a nerd. A nerdy-goody-two-shoes-rule-follower. And I cannot stand knowing that I look like a nerd, gentle readers...
...because I am a nerd.
I'm not talking about being a geek. I'm not talking about my love of science fiction and fantasy, of my proclivity for reading comic books and playing RPGs, or of my sporadic status as "girl gamer". None of these things make me uncool (helllllooo geek-chic). But my deep-rooted instinct to be a "good girl"? To play it safe? Total nerdsville. And I am... still kind of insecure about that.
I know, I know- I am probably the least insecure person you know. I not only am fully aware of my own awesomeness, I am fully willing to go on- at length!- about it to anyone who cares to listen. Fer Pete's sake, I write a blog. Obviously I do not have self-esteem issues, here. And for the most part that's very true... but what's also true is that my self-confidence is a decades-old, carefully cultivated facade that has slowly but surely become reality. I acted confident and uncaring-of-others'-opinions until it became the truth. More or less. But deep deep down I am afraid that any minute now people are going to look at me, see past my tattoos and bright lips and uninhibited dancing and realize:
This girl freaks out about jaywalking. Cool people do not take pause at the prospect of jaywalking.
Cool people do not wear helmets, because cool people do bother to think about the consequences of not wearing helmets. Or, if they are really cool, they do wear helmets, and don't even think about whether or not they look cool because hey- cool people are cool no matter what they do.
Which brings us back to me being a nerd. I am a nerd because I am afraid that people will see a nerd when they look at me. Not because of anything that I do, or wear, but because of who and what I am.
But I will pretend that I don't care what people think when they see me wearing my dorktastic helmet and one of these days... it will be true.
9.28.2010
Death Gulls to the Rescue!
Okay, this entry really needs an explanation (or possibly an apology-in-advance) before you read it. See, Nathan's up in Aberdeen right now, and for today's shot of people/animals, he elected to take a photo of some of the seagulls. While we were chatting about the seagulls (some of my favorite birds, mind you) he mentioned that they were like deathgulls, because they were just fighting each other over everything. For some reason or another he was prompted to utter the phrase, "Death Gulls to the rescue!" and from there a long conversation ensued regarding the nature of these noble beasts, and what activities they might engage in. Later on he happened to mention that he'd taken a photo of a gull that... well, you'll see. Anway, that's how this silly little story came to be. Because we all need to let off a little Weird sometimes...
***
Gather 'round, my children, and hear the tale of Billy Bastion and the Death Gulls.
Billy Bastion was born on a dark and stormy night, amidst peril most foul. His parents, lord and lady to the land, had been betrayed, and their castle was slowly but surely crumbling to their enemies' siege. As the villains hammered upon the door of into the birthing chamber, Billy's mother sent a desperate prayer to her gods, offering up her life in exchange for the protection of her unborn child. A flash of lightning struck with the bargain, and thus was born our hero- and his unbreakable bond with those celestial saviors from beyond the sea, the Death Gulls!
The Death Gulls streaked down from above, killing everyone in their path, until only little Billy remained. Thus assured of his safety, they winged their way once more to parts unknown. Billy himself was found and raised by a healthy young farming couple.
The next time Billy found himself in mortal peril, he was six years old. He had, against his foster parent's orders, wandered too deep into the woods, and come face to face with an enraged bear! Before the creature could eviscerate him, however, winged death swooped to the rescue- yes, the Death Gulls remained loyal to the dying wish of Billy's mother! With their eerie green beams of light they cleared the area of all threats, leaving Billy un-threatened once more.
When Billy was fifteen, he got it into his head to see the world, and set off down the long road to adventure. Unfortunately there were quite a few other adventuresome young men on this road, and a pack of them had banded together as robbers! Our hero might have perished beneath their clubs, had it not been for the eldritch workings of the Death Gulls! As he cleaned the viscera off of himself, Billy decided he had had enough adventure. Anyway, with the money he took off the bandit's corpses, he knew he'd be able to get himself a fine wife. So back to his village he went.
Billy did find himself a fine wife, a young woman by the name of Marigold. And they married in high style, and had a passel of fine children. And one day Billy was out in the fields with the other men of the village, bringing in the harvest, when a snake reared up out of the grass, flashing its venomous fangs! Instantly the sky darkened with a thousand razor-sharp wings, and in a blinding flash of veridian, Billy found himself to be the only living creature for a square mile.
He began to realize that having the protection of the Death Gulls might not be the safest thing for his family.
As such, he decided to exile himself to the wilderness, trusting in the Death Gulls to protect him from peril. And so they did, until the fateful day that Billy Bastion found himself dangling by his fingertips from the edge of a cliff. The Death Gulls arrived, yes- but when they saw Billy's predicament they turned as one to fly away.
"Wait!" cried Billy, "Will you not save me?"
The smallest of the gulls turned back to him and said,
"Sorry dude. Pretty much we only kill stuff."
***
Gather 'round, my children, and hear the tale of Billy Bastion and the Death Gulls.
Billy Bastion was born on a dark and stormy night, amidst peril most foul. His parents, lord and lady to the land, had been betrayed, and their castle was slowly but surely crumbling to their enemies' siege. As the villains hammered upon the door of into the birthing chamber, Billy's mother sent a desperate prayer to her gods, offering up her life in exchange for the protection of her unborn child. A flash of lightning struck with the bargain, and thus was born our hero- and his unbreakable bond with those celestial saviors from beyond the sea, the Death Gulls!
The Death Gulls streaked down from above, killing everyone in their path, until only little Billy remained. Thus assured of his safety, they winged their way once more to parts unknown. Billy himself was found and raised by a healthy young farming couple.
The next time Billy found himself in mortal peril, he was six years old. He had, against his foster parent's orders, wandered too deep into the woods, and come face to face with an enraged bear! Before the creature could eviscerate him, however, winged death swooped to the rescue- yes, the Death Gulls remained loyal to the dying wish of Billy's mother! With their eerie green beams of light they cleared the area of all threats, leaving Billy un-threatened once more.
When Billy was fifteen, he got it into his head to see the world, and set off down the long road to adventure. Unfortunately there were quite a few other adventuresome young men on this road, and a pack of them had banded together as robbers! Our hero might have perished beneath their clubs, had it not been for the eldritch workings of the Death Gulls! As he cleaned the viscera off of himself, Billy decided he had had enough adventure. Anyway, with the money he took off the bandit's corpses, he knew he'd be able to get himself a fine wife. So back to his village he went.
Billy did find himself a fine wife, a young woman by the name of Marigold. And they married in high style, and had a passel of fine children. And one day Billy was out in the fields with the other men of the village, bringing in the harvest, when a snake reared up out of the grass, flashing its venomous fangs! Instantly the sky darkened with a thousand razor-sharp wings, and in a blinding flash of veridian, Billy found himself to be the only living creature for a square mile.
He began to realize that having the protection of the Death Gulls might not be the safest thing for his family.
As such, he decided to exile himself to the wilderness, trusting in the Death Gulls to protect him from peril. And so they did, until the fateful day that Billy Bastion found himself dangling by his fingertips from the edge of a cliff. The Death Gulls arrived, yes- but when they saw Billy's predicament they turned as one to fly away.
"Wait!" cried Billy, "Will you not save me?"
The smallest of the gulls turned back to him and said,
"Sorry dude. Pretty much we only kill stuff."
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