Filling Up My Heart Tank

An Old Friend of mine came to town recently, and when he asked if I was "able to do anything this week", I replied:

"Should be- if by 'anything' you mean 'hang out at my house'."

Because honestly it is hard to get "out" to places with a baby, if you plan on spending a good chunk of time at said place (and I did want to spend a good chunk of time with my friend).  Infant schedules complicate life, you guys.

But then I remembered that I had today off!  And so I suggested we go out hiking, instead, because a) I haven't hiked on a weekday in a while, and it is such a treat to be on a less-crowded trail; b) I was craving some good Forest Time; c) I need more miles; and d) honestly I think hiking is one of the best possible ways to spend quality time with someone you care about (it also works as a good first date- it's a pretty quick way to weed out the ones that aren't going to be worth your time).

We ended up doing one of my favorite hikes, the Multnomah-Wahkeena Loop, which meant that all told we got in more than five miles worth of back-and-forth catching-up, and since I was schlepping an 18lb kid (plus a backpack) that was a good chunk of time, indeed.

So pale.  So very, very pale.

I've noticed over the past year or so that there are some breezing-through-town Old Friends that leave me feeling exhausted after our "catch up" sessions, and not in a good way.  Other Old Friends (such as today's companion) leave me feeling energized and happy.  I think I'm now in a stage of my life where I'm going to try to gently disengage from those people who deplete my energy, the ones I tend to see out of a strange sense of obligation to the past, and instead save myself for those who leave me feeling better than I did before I saw them.  I need to embrace opportunities to refill my Heart's fuel-tank, and avoid those that drain it, because I just don't have the time to recover like I once did.

Cheese-As-Bread, and Other Quirks

Just FYI, you guys, this is how I eat sandwiches these days:

check out that thick slab of spinach

And yes, I'm eating at my desk, as I often do.  Not because I'm required to, but because that way I can use my actual break to take a nice, re-energizing walk.  It's a pretty non-negotiable part of my day, recently, because otherwise the Tiredness overwhelms me and I'm absolutely useless after 2pm.  And since I really hate being useless... walking it is!

The walk is good for me physically and mentally, obviously, but it's also good for my soul, because I typically use it to call my mom and have a random little chat about whatever happens to be on my mind (or hers).  It's like free therapy!

Therapy.  Huh.  That's actually how this little ritual started, come to think of it.  Back in the day, when I was so miserable in my job that I literally thought being hit by a car would be preferable to going to work, I'd taken to taking half hour walks at noon every day so I could (sometimes literally) scream and cry to my mother to get it all out of my system, and thereby be able to continue my brittle, professional facade for another few hours, before getting the hell out of there.

Stars, those were dark times.  Praise all be to The Captain, for rescuing me from the mire of work-apathy that I'd sunk in to, by giving me something worth being present for.  These days I love going to work, and that's in large part due to the company I keep.  He's got that ambition, baby, and he treats me as his business partner, and we are going places.  Awesome places.  You'll see.

Morning Enlightenment

February is the month I've designated, "Get Your Crap Back In Order Month".  Which means 28 days of no sugar, no alcohol, yes going to bed/getting up on time, yes morning yoga, and yes daily walks*.

Here we are on day two, and I'm already doing Super Great! (celebrate the little milestones, people)  Neeps is more or less already in the habit of watching me do yoga, staring intently as I move through some very strange positions and chatter away to him about what I'm doing and why.

This morning I said,

"You don't need to do this yet, but someday you probably will.  I hope you start at a younger age than I did, so that you stay supple and never have to feel the body that aches I do.  I want only the best for you," I continued, and then was struck by a realization so profound that it took my breath away- but not before I verbalized it; "I wish I could protect you from everything, but I can't.  The only thing I can do is give you the tools to protect yourself."

I think I just made my mother proud.

*(Yes, I'm aware this month has 29 days in it- Valentine's Day shall henceforth be known as My Big Fat I Do What I Want Day.)

B-A-N-A-N-A-S

A small sampling of what my Monkey Mind was trying to bring to my attention whilst I was trying to meditate this morning:

I am feeling extra foxy today.
I wonder if meditation is making me look better.
Is meditation as good for your body as it is for your brain?
Maybe if I give my brain two things to focus on it will stop jumping.
(starts slow, meditative thumb twiddle in addition to slow, meditative breathing)
Nope, looks like I am totally capable of thinking of three things at once.
It's probably defeating the whole mindfulness thing to be twiddling my thumbs, anyway.
Hey, I should make a list of all the random thoughts I have while I'm meditating!
Oh no, now I can't stop thinking back to what I've already thought!
I really miss hoop dancing.
I should google classes in the area.
I wonder how much I could still do?
Maybe I'll give it try this afternoon.
Ugh how much longer.
Oh good, I've started to think how much longer- that usually means the timer will go off soon.

Yeah.  Meditation, man.  It takes practice.
 

Vapours

I have been something of a Horrible Stress Ball lately.  There are many reasons for this, but most of them boil down to The Move.

(Yes, Mother, this is when you may chime in with "I told you so")

Over the past few days I've tried combating it in various ways- with good food at a favorite restaurant, long hot baths, extra sleep, and plenty of chocolate.  None of which, sadly, has been particularly effective (not even the chocolate).  But today... ah, today I stumbled across Relief.

I spent a good half hour today laying on my back, staring at the clouds.  And I swear it was the most stress-busting thing I've done in weeks.  I just lay there, watching the sky change colors, watching pictures form and shift and move away, and by the time I finally got up to go in I felt... at peace.  I mean, I was so damn relaxed it was as though there had been illicit chemicals involved.  I didn't even care that I never heard back from the recruiter (who specifically said she'd call me this afternoon).  Now that is relaxed.

It made me realize that a large part of my crankiness comes from not spending enough time outdoors- and skimping on my meditation, to boot.  So I need to stop that- because I'd much rather feel blissful than bitchy.