Rude Children's Parties*

*(grammar intentionally fuzzy)

My nephew Eaglet turns one very, very soon, and my sister-in-law was plotting a pirate-themed party for him.  By which I mean she was planning a pirate-themed party for us, because as we all know, one-year-olds don't particularly give a damn about party themes.  Or parties in general, really.  In fact I feel pretty secure saying that mostly one-year-olds care about food, snuggles, and getting their way.  Mostly just that last one, really, since it essentially covers all the rest.

Anyway.

Certain people felt that maybe raping and pillaging wasn't quite the thing for a one-year-old's party, to which I say, "Avast!" and also, "I'll blow the man down!"**  It also led to me confessing to my sister-in-law my long-nutured plan for If We Have a Kid and It Survives to One Year Old:

The "We Haven't Killed It Yet!" party!

Yes, the WHKIY party, for which I will provide plenty of alcohol and request that all my friends dress up as endangered animals.  It's going to be awesome.  And if we don't have kids I may throw it on behalf of a friend's kid.  Because seriously, I know you parents get tired of coming up with new party themes.

Speaking of awesome segues...

I recently accepted a new role at work, and that role is Event Planner.  In specific, Special Event Planner, which means my team doesn't have to plan any boring events- we get to plan the events that celebrate things!  Wheee!  And in honor of that, I've decided to share with everyone a short list of Inappropriate Children's Parties:

Cam Whore Party!
     Everyone thinks it's super sweet that you set up a photo booth to record your child's friends and family on this precious day, but we know what it's really about.  Selfies.  All the selfies.

Knotty or Nice Party!
     Fun with ropes!  Imagine the funky fashions! The creative decorations!  Better yet, imagine the practicality of corralling toddlers!

(Confession Time: this theme is listed simply to justify using today's photo)

Cowboys and Indians Party!     Look, you know it, I know it- kids are riddled with disease and prone to taking crap that's not theirs.  It's like the party plans itself.

Mobster Party!
     Pinstripes, Pearls, and Prohibition! And enough fake blood to cover the inevitable real stuff.  Bonus: you literally cannot have this party without alcohol.  (You know, in the figurative sense of "literally".)

Cookie Monster Party!
     Make all your friends bring their favorite cookies.  Except everyone knows you shouldn't let your one-year-old eat cookies.  So.  Guess you'll have to eat them all.  For the children.



Feel free to add your own party ideas in the comments!


**(while looking up various pirate phrases to impress you with, I happened to also come across "crack Jenny's tea cup" and basically it's my new favorite thing.)