The Importance of Marriage (or Not)

I was hanging out with some dude friends the other day when another dude friend came in.  We’ll call him friend A, and the other two can be B and C.  Anyway, friend A is in the midst of prepping to propose to his girlfriend, and I happened to know that he’d been trying to have The Talk with her dad, but that the two of them kept getting interrupted before he could bring it up.  So as he walked up to us I got all squeaky about the whole process (as is my right as the Token Female), and asked how it had gone, and he caught us up on his progress, and we all gave him a hard time and teased him about Lady A dodging his proposal like her father had been dodging The Talk.  And then friends B and C, who are unmarried, gave friend A a little further grief about getting engaged at all, making reference to their own “perpetual bachelorhood”.

“Oh please,” I said to friend C, rolling my eyes. “You have a life partner.” Because it’s true- he does.  A lovely young woman with whom he plans to spend the rest of his life.

“Yeah but I’m still a bachelor,” he countered, and I had to admit that yes, technically he was- although not by my personal connotation of the word.  Friend A wandered off and I thought about it a little longer while B and C made “marriage isn’t important to commitment” noises.  Finally, during a lull in that conversation, I turned to C and said,

“You know, marriage wasn’t really important to me, either- until it was important to Nathan.”  C sort of raised an eyebrow, and I continued; “I was like, ‘meh, marriage’, but it meant something to him- and that meant something to me.”

“I guess I’m very lucky with Lady C,” he remarked, referring to the fact that marriage is not important to her, either.

“Well yes,” I said.  “But that’s part of the whole point of a life mate: finding someone whose values align with your own.  I was never anti-marriage, tho', so for me getting married to make him happy made me happy.”

This statement caused both C and B to backpedal a little bit and discuss marriage vs weddings, and how sick it is that our society beats into little girls’ heads the whole “happiest day of your life” thing.

“That’s the problem,” I said.  “Too many people confuse the words ‘wedding’ with ‘marriage’.  Don’t get me wrong- I loved my wedding, and I had a lot of fun.  But if your wedding day is really, truly the happiest day of your life- then you are doing it wrong.”

I had to go at that point- because my own life mate turned up- but if I could have continued the conversation I think I would have asked those guys what exactly the word "marriage" means to them.  It’s an important question, I think, and one that not enough people actually give any thought to.  But here’s the secret- marriage is something different to every individual person, and it’s damn important to make sure that your definition bears at least some resemblance to that of the person you’re marrying (/spending the rest of your life with).  Better yet, compromise on a new definition, one that suits the two (or more) of you.  Because according to my definition of marriage, C and Lady C are married.  They’ve made a commitment to being together for the rest of their lives, and they treat one another with love and respect, and so as far as I’m concerned they’re married.  Period.  C can make “bachelor” noises all he wants to, but it looks like a duck, and swims like a duck... etc, etc.  And that is because to me (the only one who actually was legally “married” in that little conversation) marriage really has jack-all to do with a piece of paper.  There are other people who have that piece of paper who are just awful to one another- it seems like they don’t even like one another- and I have a hard time believing they are actually married: but by their definition of the word they must be.  And I can see being actually anti-marriage, if your definition of marriage includes treating one another like crap.  But why would you let anyone else define marriage for you*?  Especially your marriage?

These are probably ducks.  Probably.

I’m definitely anti-plenty-of-other-people’s-marriages, but mine?  Mine is awesome, and I’d recommend this level of happiness to anyone- even if I did have to sign a piece of paper to make it happen.

*After all, there are people who would refuse to recognize my marriage, since Nathan and I don't share a faith.