In My Heart Morning Noon and Night

Dear Son,

I wanted to go to you today, but I didn't.

I didn't go to you, because I realized that my wanting to go to you was not for your benefit, but for my own.

See, today was your first day at daycare, your first day spent entirely with strangers, no Mommy or Daddy in sight.  And that was hard on me.  Really, really hard on me.

Even just anticipating it was hard on me- like, to the point where I thought that maybe I should go see you on my lunch break every day this week, to nurse you.  You'd like that, I thought.  It would be nice to see Mommy in the middle of the day, a little oasis of comfort in a new environment.

Daddy took you to daycare this morning, just as we'd planned.  And sure, I said it was because I want to have the option to ride my bike to work, and anyway he's been the one to take you to your various watchers these past two months so it's keeping to routine, but the truth is it's also because I'm a bit of a coward- and I knew it would be easier for me to say goodbye to you at the house like I've been doing, rather than having to say goodbye in a strange place.

I got to work with a little pit in my stomach.  It shouldn't have felt any different from any other day I've been away from you, but it did, somehow.  And that's when I had a very honest conversation with myself about who, exactly, that daydreamed lunch-visit was for.  Because the truth of the matter is that you were going to be just fine without me, even if you were unhappy- and for me to show up and then go away again without taking you with me might be confusing for you.  And sure I wanted to see you- but what good would it do me to see you crying?  Then I'd just feel even worse- sure that I was being a neglectful mother, instead of just sort of vaguely suspecting it.  And then I'd be worthless for the rest of the work day, and get to add professional-guilt on top of the mommy-guilt.

So I didn't come see you today.  But when Daddy's plans changed and he couldn't pick you up, I was secretly pleased as punch.  And yes, you were crying when I got there, but then I picked you up and you smiled, and soon you were laughing, and I realized that as far as you're concerned, I'm the best mommy in the world, lunchtime visits or not.

All My Love,

Your Mother