A Sour One in Every Bunch

One by one the weeks fall off the calendar, and with them go the various events that I have gotten myself entangled in.  All of these events have been/will be fun and wonderful, but I'd be lying if I said that they weren't also stressful.  Today was the fifth of seven weekends in a row that have been Booked with a capital B, and I am feeling so much lighter now that I am more than halfway through the gauntlet.

Today's event was particularly stressful because it was a work outing that I had a major hand in planning.  I was very, very nervous about whether or not people would have a good time- after all, it was supposed to be a reward for the best performers in the region!

riesling

We did a tasting and tour at Willamette Valley Vineyards, Tualitin Estate, and it was just lovely.  The wines were fabulous (Nathan and I ended up buying three different bottles: a muscat, a riesling, and a gewürztraminer) and the day was perfect for sitting around sipping and chatting and playing a few lawn games.  I relaxed pretty quickly, as it soon became evident that people were having a good time.

Well, most people.

There was one person who... I think came for the sole purpose of not having a good time?  I guess?  This person was actually part of the reason I was so nervous leading up to the event, because they'd sort of been poo-poohing all my ideas and efforts.  Seeing them in the context of all the other people, however, who were laughing and having a great time, I suddenly realized that I genuinely don't give a fig if they think it wasn't "good": the only reason they were having a "bad time" is because that's what they decided to have before they even showed up.

So there.

Found at the Bottom of a Glass

Nathan had his final woodworking class today, which meant I dropped him off early in the morning so that I could have use of the car for the day.  At the end of said day I met up with him at the Green Dragon, and we had a couple of pints and shared some fries.

gorgeous color in a cherry-pomegranate cider by Atlas

It was actually a lot of fun to just hang out together a bar, which is something we very rarely do, seeing as how we are cheap bastards.  But it was a good atmosphere, and we are clever and fun company for one another, so I'd say it was well worth it.  Plus, you know... happy hour makes it downright economical...  ;)

Smoothing the Rough Patches

Remember when I said that I got Nathan woodworking lessons for our five year anniversary?  Well there's actually more to that story.  You see, they were originally scheduled for June 12th, 13th, and 14th.  June 12th was a Thursday, and my second day back at work after the miscarriage.  That evening, of course, is when I hemorrhaged, and ended up in the ER.  Needless to say, Nathan did not go to the second or third day.

After things had settled down a bit, I reached out to the woodworking studio and arranged for Nathan to finish up the lessons.  That's what he's been doing yesterday and today, and this evening he brought home a lovely little box:

like butter

Last night, as we were getting ready for bed, I joked that I hadn't even bled out or anything- that's progress!  And he admitted that he'd had paranoid thoughts of his own while he was in class.  It's a weird thing- we're both really happy that he's finally getting to do this thing he's wanted to do for so long, but we're also... skittish.

Some of you know that I've been avoiding Facebook recently.  There are a few reasons for this, but the main reason is that I sort of can't take any more photos of babies right now.  It's just a little too painful- or (and this is honestly worse) I find myself feeling nothing about these babies that I'm supposed to love.  Which makes me feel like an awful human being.  I understand that I'm not, of course, but I also understand that I am a grown-ass woman, and if something is making me feel bad, then I need to remove myself from the situation rather than bitching and moaning about what "other people" are doing or expecting of me.  Hence the Facebook hiatus.

I decided to pop back on last night, because I needed an address from the messaging portion of the site, and unfortunately the first thing I saw were pictures of a woman who is five months pregnant.  A woman whom I love deeply.  And I just... cringed.  Which told me that yep, I've made the right decision to stay away for the time being.

(I've had to check old messages twice since then, and I've taken to covering the majority of the screen with my hand until I have nothing but text displayed.  It's working quite well.)

Anyway, all of that was to sort of put a moment from this morning into context; I was out with Isis on her PT walk, and she was upset about not being allowed to chase a rabbit.  This prompted me to say to her,

"Yeah, well, I was supposed to be six months pregnant and in Scotland right now, so suck it up."

::sigh::

I came across a beautiful quote this afternoon, by the poet Edward Hirsch:

"I don't like the whole language of healing, which seems to me so false. As soon as something happens to us in America, everyone begins talking about healing. But before you heal, you have to mourn. And I found that poetry doesn't shield you from grief, but it does give you an expression of that grief."

I feel like I'm definitely guilty of trying to heal first and then mourn.  I've been in such a hurry just to fucking be okay, that I sort of forgot that still being sad three months after my miscarriage isn't exactly unexpected, and it doesn't mean I'm weak or pathetic or obsessive.  It just means that I need to cut myself some fucking slack.

Anyway, in honor of Mr. Hirsch's words, here are two poems that do a good job of expression some of the things I've felt.  The first is one I penned, the second is by Matsuo Bashō.  I feel they go together quite well, although I did not come across the one by Bashō until about a month after I'd penned mine.  I guess it just goes to show that certain aspects of grief are universal.

Even the sky
Cannot be silent
In her grief 

*** 

All crying done
Nothing remains
But the shell of a cicada

Incandescent Heart

can't stop the burn

Love Apple

I took this shot in my friend Kara's garden.  I like it quite a bit, and not just because I find it aesthetically pleasing.  No, I find this image to be particularly satisfying because the very first gesture of kindness Kara ever showed me was to offer me little tomato plants.  I said yes, and the very next time she saw me, she delivered them.  And they grew up nicely and were delicious.

just like our friendship

All the Roads Long Ago

I was talking with a friend of mine recently and revealed that I happen to be a Fancier of Unicorns.  I actually didn't realize I was revealing the fact- I thought it was something about me That Was Known, but from the surprise she expressed apparently It Was Not.

Anyway, not only am I a Fancier of Unicorns, I even have myself a little collection:

as many as there are believing hearts in the world

Much smaller (and, frankly, better curated) than the collection I had as a child, but hey- one can only haul so many tchotchkes repeatedly back and forth across the continent, eh?

Come to An End

The long weekend ends today, and I am sad, because it was a really good weekend, and I don't want it to end.

...nor did I want to break my wine goblet.  Sigh.