Obligatory Left-Handed Post

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so obviously ambidextrous:

Word.

::sigh::  No.  No I am not.  Oh well.

Weird Day

It was, as you may have surmised from the title, a weird sort of day.  The sort of day where you end up standing in an awkward stance, staring out at... who knows what.

It's a good thing I did this drawing while at work.

There's plenty  I could say about it, but I'll just give you the lowest and the highest.

The lowest is that I have once again injured myself.  By being stupid.  I strained some tendons in my right hand, so I won't be climbing for at least a week, and we'll have to wait and see if I'll be drawing for a few days.  Needless to say, this makes me Grumpy.

On the other hand, this evening we went to the Portland Cello Project's holiday concert (Beck the Halls Holiday Spectacular!), and it was awesome.  I am in all sorts of Amazing Moods because of that.  This is our second year going, and I have to say that I think it now officially qualifies as a Holiday Tradition for us.

Yay Holiday Traditions!

Kittens!

That is all.

Climbing and Other Things That are Good for Me

So, as you may have noticed, I don't exactly follow a Standard American Diet.  As it happens, my gluten intolerance is actually only a partial reason for this- my sensitivity to sugar is another.  Unlike gluten, however, it's possible for me to have a little sugar with no ill effects- and if I'm going to have ill effects they don't show up until the next day.

You can see how this might lead to Badness.  Especially when combined with the attitude of, "Well I've already screwed myself over- might as well go whole hog!"

It started with Thanksgiving, of course.  I let myself have a day of indulgence.  And if I'd left it at that, it probably would have been fine.  But did I leave it at that?  No I did not.  "You're going to be in pain anyway," whispered JerkBrain.  "Might as well make it worth it!"

So I had too much sugar during the Thanksgiving weekend, and I followed it up by continuing to Not Avoid Sugar, and do you know what?  JerkBrain was wrong (as JerkBrain often is): it is not worth it.  Last week I woke up in swollen-joint agony, and I've been dealing with that (and the Other Effects of Too Much Sugar) ever since.

The joints are bad enough, but today what I want to write about is one of the Other Effects.  Namely, adrenaline surges.  A few years back a doctor diagnosed me with dysautonomia, which is doctor speak for, "We don't know what the hell is wrong with you, but sometimes your autonomic nervous system just freaks out for no reason."  Thanks to the change in my diet, however, I've pretty much come to realize that one of the triggers is too much sugar.  Anyway, I spent most of today in what is best described as a sort of low-grade panic (even tho' I knew it was just my chemicals, and I wasn't actually afraid of anything) with the nausea and tingling that accompanies un-used adrenaline.   Needless to say, climbing times could not come quickly enough, and in fact I left work early because I couldn't stand it any longer.

I got to the gym and went through my stretches (which was somewhat helpful but not really the thing) and then I got on the wall- and enjoyed almost two full hours of serenity.  It was brilliant.  The adrenaline was put to good use, and I stopped feeling sick.  Of course, within about half an hour of leaving the surges were back, but they were reduced, and bearable once more.

The whole day has gotten me thinking about why I do the things I do.  I make the lifestyle choices I do so that I will feel good- both physically and mentally.  But every once in a while I forget that, and JerkBrain does its best to convince me that I am a martyr, making sacrifices and missing out on fun things and by gods I can have sugar if I want to you're not the boss of me!

::cough::

Yeah.  And the thing is, the seductive danger of JerkBrain is that it's right; I can have sugar if I want to, and stay up late, and drink too much, and not do my yoga.  I can do all of those things- but then I have to pay the price, which JerkBrain always sort of conveniently forgets to mention.  And the price just isn't worth it.

Trying to draw my way to serenity didn't work.  (I need ink and brush for that...)

Recapturing Christmas

Let's be honest, here.  Christmas is not really my "thing".  Hasn't been for a long time.  Say, oh, eighteen years or so.  Don't get me wrong- I'm not one of those bah-humbug kind of people- my lack of enthusiasm in no way makes me feel like others should have a similar lack.  But in terms of genuine Christmas Spirit, I'm more of a faker than a maker.

There is, however, and antidote to my habitual holiday "meh".  And that antidote, dear readers, is children.  Children and Christmas are friggin' awesome.  And when I'm around children, I can submerse myself in their Awesome, and leave all my emotional bullshit baggage behind.  Double Awesome Plus.

So Eel and Bee are visiting, along with their parents, and we all went out to the Festival of Lights.  Lots to see, lots to do (lots to pet, which I was not expecting but hey, I will happily pet a Christmas bunny anytime, anywhere.)  There was even an angel, which Eel was not 100% sure he was down with:

"Can she fly?"

So I'm feelin' pretty okay about Christmas again.  Go kids.

Geometric Wishes

I've been playing around with star designs for a friend's tattoo.  Behold tonight's effort:

Wishes of Light

It's not there yet, but I like the swirly effect... back to the drawing-tablet, I suppose.

Crumbling

The sun is not up, but she is.

Butter, sugar, vanilla.  Cups of corn starch and almond flour.  The hum of the mixer is hypnotic- it would lull her back to sleep, if she let it.

No it wouldn't.

Sleep does not come easy these days- it is, in truth, a relief to have an excuse not to be in bed, not to lay there obsessing over laying there.  Instead she can obsess about pulling the cookies out at just the right moment- a hint of gold on the raised edges of the creamy white crenelations.  Spritzgeback are delicate confections, easily ruined by even sixty seconds too long in the oven.

Everything has to be just so.

She will devote many hours to this task today, this careful mixing and pressing and baking and shifting and packing, creating layer upon layers of the traditional cookies her oma used to make.  Oma hasn't made them in over a decade, and for almost as long it has fallen upon her to provide far-flung family with that small part of the holidays so unique to their heritage.  She wonders, briefly, how that came to be?  If everyone cares so much for the old traditions, why is she the only one to keep them?  She who, when she is honest with herself, doesn't care at all any more.

What is the point of traditions, after all, if there is no one to pass them on to?

She lets the cookies cool, then carefully shifts them, one at a time, to the wax paper she's covered her kitchen table with.  They line up in perfect rows, not so much because that's important to the process, but just because the effect pleases her.  Order.  Control.  Sweet little soldiers, marching off to battle against... what?  The passage of time?  The loss of what once was?  Bitterness, she decides as she dusts them with confectioner's sugar.  It is only fitting they be marching off to battle bitterness.

She picks one of the cookies up, examines it.  It looks perfect.  She pops it in her mouth, letting the taste of butter, sugar, and almonds melt on her tongue.  Delicate.  Perfect.  She cuts the wax paper to line the tins, and begins to place the cookies in concentric rings.  One of them breaks, and she stares at it.

Delicate.  Fragile.  So easily broken.

She wants to scream.  She wants to throw the pieces across the room, throw everything across the room, to destroy and destroy and destroy... but she doesn't.  She just stares at the broken pieces, and then puts them in her mouth, where they too crumble into nothingness.