I'm going to share with you what I wrote in my journal less than 24 hours before giving birth to my son. The context is that I was still just over a week from my official due date, had experienced false labor the day before, and was feeling... well, pretty crotchety. So that's what I was processing as I sat in bed that night.
According to the doctor I'm now 1.5 centimeters dilated, which just seems like bullshit after yesterday's adventures.
Oh well. The truth is, I need to work on letting go of my impatience and frustration, and finding my way to a state of calm acceptance/readiness. I made some progress during acupuncture today, but for real I need to bring meditation back into my life on a regular basis.
See, the thing is, Neeps will come, and moreover he will come when it's time. When waiting has filled, as Valentine Michael Smith would say. Right now he's getting bigger and fatter, and his brain is getting more wrinkly and his lungs able to function easier. All very good things. So I just need to chill out and let him take the time he needs. I can consider it my first exercise in treating him as his own person rather than just an extension of my Self.
It's still so hard to accept that he's really real. Even as he jabs his little heels into my rib cage.
I'm sharing this today because I plan on writing up The Birthing Story very soon (perhaps even tomorrow) and I thought this would be a lovely little lead-in to it. I know it makes me laugh when I look back at how hard I was struggling to Be Serene, Damn It! But I do like to believe that Neeps feeling me make that attempt to let him be his own separate being kick-started his desire to fulfill that destiny.