I was going back through some of my unpublished drafts, and came across one that I started almost exactly a year ago, on 02/16/15. I thought I would go ahead and share it today, along with some commentary.
Sometimes I wonder if my lessening desire for a child is just the natural reaction of having been denied one for so long- coming up on five fruitless years now. Or rather, five years with nothing but fruit-fallen-too-early-from-the-vine. But then I think back to how long I wanted Nathan- and that desire never diminished, never- not even when I knew I couldn't have him.
And it comforts me, because I realize that I can trust this lessening desire. I am not a fox walking away from a cluster of grapes. I'm just a woman who has changed with time, as we all do.
Nathan and I had a really good talk yesterday, about that change.
The conversation that we had (one year ago today) as we drove out to the coast for a day of spontaneous freedom, was about how long he needed me to feel like I no longer wanted children, before we took permanent steps of prevention. At the time I'd been feeling that way for about two months, and he wanted me to feel it consistently for a year. I though that was a reasonable request, since I had definitely, in the past, gone through cycles of wanting kids less, and of wanting them more. We came to that agreement, and I felt an incredible lightness, a sort of freeing, as I said, "Okay, so by our birthdays next year." We spent the rest of the day driving and playing and splashing and photographing and running around with Isis, and generally enjoying our life together without a child.
Of course, as we now realize, Neeps had managed to squeeze in just before the wire. I technically shouldn't even have been able to conceive when I did- but obviously the Universe knew what was up, and rearranged my internal rhythms accordingly. The irony was not lost on us, three weeks later, when I found myself staring at a little plus sign that was absolutely unexpected.
But not, in the end, unwelcome.