So as it turns out, I'm totally fine going back to work. As long as I know my son is safe and loved and well-cared-for, I can basically switch mindsets to Professional Mode and not think of him more than once or twice throughout the day (and then I ask for a photo and I get one and it's oh-so-nice). It's fantastic. And I realize it may not last, but I'm enjoying it while I can.
The Captain and I had a 2.5 hour meeting today, during which we got one another up to speed on what had happened while I was out of the office, how far I'd come in my catch-up work, and what new things we'd like to implement once I'm no longer drowning in backlogged information. And at one point he asked me how I was doing, baby-separation-wise, so I explained it to him as best I could;
I have no doubt in my mind that I am and will continue to be an excellent mother. That being said, I'm not an excellent caregiver. Don't get me wrong! I'm not a poor caregiver. In fact I am a perfectly respectable caregiver- I provide food and shelter and love and engagement- but I do not excel at it, and I do not thrive on it. Some people do. As such, I am absolutely delighted to let actual excellent caregivers take care of my child while I go do something I excel/thrive at; running our office and kicking ass on behalf of our clients. It's a win-win-win scenario: I win because I'm making money for our family doing something I enjoy; the caregiver wins because they're hanging out with the literal world's best baby; and Neeps wins because he is always with someone who can give him their all while he's with them.
(Oh, and The Captain wins because I'm back on his ship. So it's a win to the 4th power.)
(No, wait- 5th power. Because my clients are winning, too.)
(Basically I'm a working mother for the good of the land.)