I was cleaning out the studio today, and if you're thinking that sounds like not the best way to spend a lovely Sunday, you're both right and wrong. You're right in that cleaning out a studio is something of an Endeavor (yes, capital E) but you're wrong because the way I feel after a good purge is just... amazing. So I'm feeling pretty good at the moment. I didn't purge as hard-core as I could have, I'm sure, but I purged enough, and it's left me feeling accomplished, lightened, and like I have a place where I can work again (which is going to be pretty essential if I'm going to get up on this new 365 project in January).
Some of the stuff I got rid of included old sketch books. Specifically it included old sketch books from 2005, when I was going through one of the roughest patches of my life. It was... not a pretty time, in the life of O. But it was also, in retrospect, this completely amazing time, because I had been shattered and broken down into nothing, and I was having to sift through the pieces and figure out not just who I was, but who I wanted to rebuild myself to be. Looking back through those drawings, through those writings... I was learning so much about myself and the kind of life I wanted, the kind of spiritual development I wanted... I'm really glad I went through all of it, painful as it was at the time. I would not, could not, be the person I am now if not for that.
Which, of course, begs the question- why did I throw them out?
Because it's past, now. I've learned those lessons. And while I did have amazing insights which I wrote down, I've internalized them... and the thing is, they're the sorts of things that you can't learn by reading. You have to learn them for yourself- so there's no point in me holding on to those old drawings in the hopes of showing them to someone else to save them some pain. They can't learn it from me- it has to come from within. So I let them go. Don't get me wrong- I still have plenty of journals from that time, if I ever need to remind myself how much it sucked- but there's no need to hang on to the drawings anymore. I've moved past that. And I'm glad.
I'm in a particularly introspective mood, anyway, I think. I'd been in a really, truly rotten mood a while back (not the least of which because Nathan and I were so frigging sick) and as I was ranting in my paper-journal (you know, where I can underline things a lot, and draw angry faces, etc etc) I suddenly realized that it had been... months since I'd put into effort into my spiritual development. I mean, I hadn't picked up the Tao Te Ching for study since, like, this summer. And that's just ridiculous. I mean, it's fantastic that I've got so much happiness going on in my life (and oh how I do) but just because I'm not in active need of answers right this second doesn't mean that I should stop looking for them, you know?
Or maybe you don't. But I do.
It's funny to me, these little things that tell me I actually am an adult now. I floss. I study my Tao. I make my bed. I keep my house clean(ish). I try to tell the truth even when it's awkward or not convenient. Not because I specifically enjoy those particular things (although- let's be honest- sometimes I do) but because I know I will enjoy how I feel when all those things are a part of my life. It's like my favorite from the Buddha:
When you realize something is unwholesome and bad for you, give it up. And when you realize that something is wholesome and good for you, do it.
As simple as that, oh Enlightened one. As simple and terribly complex as that...
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