My parents rejoiced when I was born a boy. Less than a year married and they had their heir. I was to be the next king, and it is what I spent my life preparing for. It was so much a part of my identity that after my sister was born- after the curse came down- I was never able to fully surrender to my swan form. I was twenty: a man grown, and I knew I had a purpose in life- had I not had my younger brothers to look after, I might have gone mad from the schism in my brain.
Now that we are human again, I am expected to take up where I left off- heir to a kingdom I am no longer intimate with. I sometimes wonder, after having woken from dreams of flight, if I am man enough for the task.
***
We were more than our parents bargained for. They had their heir- what a shock to come out with not one but two spares, just one year later! It might have been a disaster, had we been born first- but we weren't, and so we were more of a marvel than anything else. Identical twins- what fun we had!
It's likely that the years of practice we had in one another's thoughts are what helped us with the transition to swan form. We were used to communicating without words- it was less frustrating for us than for any of the others- well, except perhaps the other twins. But we were the originals, around for a good six years before they showed up! We still marvel, sometimes, at the way what was once our private means of communication is now open to all our siblings. But we don't mind, really. It's nice to have others who understand.
***
My life is strangely balanced- half man, half swan. Eighteen years of each. I had always been intended for the Church, but now... I find myself full of thoughts that the Fathers would find blasphemous. I feel God gave me my life to live twice, once as a man and once as a beast. Perhaps He felt I needed a better understanding of His plan for us, and for the beasts over whom we are said to have dominion. Perhaps now I enter my third life, a strange hybrid of both.
***
I was sixteen when my sister was born. The girl that I should have been. Oh yes, I know what my parents were hoping when they had me- they had their heir, their spares, their one for the Church. It was time for a girl, time for an offering to be bartered off to some other kingdom in exchange for trade routes, or some such. But instead they got me. I was their first disappointment, although certainly not their last.
In a way it was very freeing to become a swan, to leave behind the vague embarrassment of my gender. No one cares if a swan is male or female. No one feels they have to make up a role for it to play. It can just be whatever it is.
Some days I miss that.
Every day I miss that.
***
I was already the middle child, even before my sister was born and we became thirteen. By all rights, up until her birth I should have shared that middle spot with the next youngest, but he went and had himself a twin, thereby denying me of my chance to have a partner in crime. My next oldest brother wanted nothing to do with me- he was two years older and a strangely solitary child. So not only did I become a middle child, I became a solitary middle child.
That changed with the curse. Oh, I was still the middle child- but suddenly I felt I was truly part of something. We were all in it together, a real family like we'd never been in human form. I loved being part of a flock, especially when it was my turn to lead the formation. I felt like I mattered, like I was important. I finally had something I could do just as well as any of the others- I could contribute.
I just wonder if they'll remember that, now that we're human again. If they even want to remember that.
***
We know we're not considered very original. The other twins were already six by the time we came along, and the castle was long used to their antics. That just meant we had to be craftier with ours- we never got caught.
We were thirteen when our sister was born, which we find interesting, since she was thirteen when she found us again. We're sure there's something to that- we just haven't figured out what. Yet. Magic has specific patterns, we've noticed- and we mean to learn as much about them as we can. We figure we have a leg up on most students of the arcane- how many of them can claim to have survived such a powerful curse? Not many, we'd reckon. But we'll find out. We always do.
***
It took my parents a few years to recover from the second set of twins, and when I came along they didn't even bother trying to pretend they didn't wish I was a girl. I can't blame them- they already had eight boys, which is more than enough to drive even the sanest of people a little bit crazy. Really I kind of felt bad for them... even once they had their girl, and we were swans, I still worried about them. Wondered what it must have done to their psyches to lose all twelve sons at once. Would they consider a daughter worth it? Somehow I doubted it, no matter how my fourth-eldest brother might think of them.
They seem happy now, our parents. All their children are safe and whole once more (mostly whole, anyway). Their daughter is queen to a powerful kingdom, their sons are reassuming their lost roles in life. It's as though the curse never happened.
But the curse did happen- and I worry about its affects on us, their children. Some of my brothers seems to have emerged less scathed than others. But my sister... of course its impossible for me to know what is normal for her. But still- I worry.
***
I was eight when the curse changed us. Eight when I finally got a baby sister. Wish I could have known her- I bet she would have been more fun than the little brothers I had. Everyone was bored of brothers by the time I came along- but I always figured a girl would have been able to come up with new mischief none of us boys had even conceived of. I used to try thinking like a girl- but I never could get my head around it. It's weird to think that I went from boy-who-tries-to-think-like-a-girl, to a man-who-tries-not-to-think-like-a-swan. Sometimes I can't help but laugh at myself- will I ever be comfortable just being what I am?
***
I'm pretty sure I was an accident. It had been three years since my next oldest brother, so I'm pretty sure I was unintentional. Maybe my little brother was, too- who knows. I don't remember much of the time Before. I remember that my little brother didn't talk much- which I guess is why he doesn't talk much now. I don't know. I'm still getting used to this crazy body of mine. Sometimes the balance just seems so wrong; swans were not meant to spend a lot of time walking around on dry land, but to tell you the truth humans don't seem to be much better at it. Plus this new body can't swim all that great, and it certainly can't fly.
Still, there are good things. Like cherry tarts. It's pretty good to have those again. And hugs. I like those, although people seem to think there's something not quite right about a fully grown man wanting to hug his parents all the time. But I don't care- I remember bobbing on the lake at night, and all I wanted was for my mother to kiss me goodnight. So now that I can have that again, I'm not going to let any court gossips stop me. No sir.
***
I was only three years old when my sister was born. Only three years old when the curse came down on my eleven older brothers and I, forcing us to take literal flight. Which, if you do the math, means that I spent six times as long in swan shape as I did in boy shape. Is it any wonder I cannot feel comfortable as a man?
Of course, the single wing I bear in place of a right arm might have something to do with it, as well.
My family pities me- they think I am deformed because of this wing, less than whole. I am the unfulfilled prophecy. What they don't understand is the wing is the only piece of me I have left- it's the rest that feels like a deformity.
*************
(Note: this ties in to this entry, as well as being inspired by today's photo)
(Gaggle)
(Yes, I realize they're geese and not swans. Hush.)
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