Entanglement

I don't feel well tonight.

I haven't felt well all day, to be honest. Horrible little adrenaline surges have been- well, surging- through my system all day, for no cause, leaving me with a queasy, guilty feeling.

I have decided that this is going on because my body is rebelling against my psyche's determination to cling to anger. My body doesn't like it, and so it's trying to give me something else to focus on. I'd love to oblige my body by letting go, but apparently not enough to just do it.

It's just miserable, this continued anger. Usually I get angry about something, and it's like this flash that flares up really high (sometimes frighteningly high) and then is gone. Done. Moved on. But every once in a while I get the sort of angry that I am now- the kind of anger that is a poison moving through my bloodstream, clinging to my platelets, and as bad as I know it is for me I cannot seem to make myself take the antidote that will purge it. And I'll think it's starting to get better, but then some little thing happens and I realize it's not better at all- the poison has, if anything, penetrated deeper into my vital organs.

I'm not sure how to let it go. I think the problem is that it's just too complex- there are too many layers, all tied together by a thousand different threads, hopelessly tangled. Anger threads and sorrow threads and guilt threads and hurt threads and fear threads, and maybe even less worthy threads like pride or possessiveness- I don't know. I think need to sort out my threads, get things organized, before I can get it out of my system.

The only way I know how to do that is by writing. But I don't think I'll be writing it on here. I'm already mixing my metaphors, so it's probably time to call it a night.