11.10.2018

Judith Slays Holofernes, Pt X

It's been an eventful day in the O household- we did our Holiday Family Portrait this morning, and... well hell, that's more than enough eventfulness, trust me.  Now TLG is down for a nap, my spouse-creature is watching football (or something), and I have done today's writing.

***

She has been praying for a full day and a night.  And fasting, at that. The other servants are concerned.  Manessah is concerned.  But I? I am furious.  She is drawing attention we do not need drawn.  I wish her god would hurry up and let her know his will, one way or the other.  I remind the others of how pious she is, that surely she is only preparing herself for the holy days, nothing more.  Meanwhile, it is unseasonably hot, and I’m hoping she doesn’t take that as a negative sign.

While she sits and waits for her god to give her insight, I have been further contemplating the problem of children born to a Slayer.  How much easier it would be, if she were widowed before they could be conceived. She would still have her riches, her status, her power- but without any divided loyalties.

It makes me uneasy to remember that, just before I left the Council, I was visited by one of the Elders.  He sat and quizzed me on a variety of subjects, but he spent what seemed to me an inordinate amount of time on poisons and their antidotes.  I remember thinking how ridiculous it was, since so few of the creatures we fight are susceptible to poison. But now I think that perhaps… perhaps his intention was not for me to use my knowledge against my Potential’s enemies.

I have never considered myself a murderer.  It is true that I’ve killed creatures- even men- before, but only those who sought to harm innocents, only in support of my brethren.

And yet.

And yet I keep hearing the Elders in the back of my mind, reminding me of the awful sacrifices that must be made in the name of the light.  Is not the Slayer line itself nothing more than a chain of living sacrifices, destined to be cut down time and again? Another rises, yes, but only to fall herself, letting another rise, and fall, and rise once more…

I wish I had a god to pray to, for I find myself in need of guidance.  A Slayer must sacrifice her life for the greater good, but what of her Watcher?  What precious thing must I relinquish?

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