Back in Blood

I have officially re-upped my link with the moon.

It's kind of weird to be menstruating again, after more than a year away from it (we're not counting lochia.  That was... it's own special categorization.)  I have had a somewhat adversarial relationship with my cycle in the past (haven't we all?) but I find myself feeling more or less at peace with it, now*.  At least insofar as I'm not like, "Aw crap," about its return.  It's certainly nice to know where I stand from a fertility perspective, anyway.

So no, I'm not upset about the return of menstruation, per se... but I do find myself feeling a little wistful.  Wistful because it's as much a milestone as Neeps's newfound ability to sit unassisted (more or less): a marker that we are slowly/too rapidly moving through this special time where I can meet all of his needs on my own.  The fact that I could now (theoretically) conceive and carry a second child is just another tiny wedge in the ongoing process of separating him from me, and me from him.  The next one will come when he goes to daycare, and then when he starts solids, and then begins to wean; when he is able to crawl and then walk away from me... plus thousands of other little things that will pull us further and further apart, and get him closer and closer to being his own independent human, with whom I will have to establish an entirely different, and more equal, relationship.  And these things are necessary, and good, and I would never try to stop or even slow them... but I will allow myself to feel a little wistful at their passing.

*(maybe ask me again in another year...)

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