Right Honorable Order of the Pinto Bear

There tends to be a lot of in-joking during games*, and yesterday's was no exception.  Many references were made to the dreaded "pinto bear", although naturally we never actually encountered one.  At least, not during our little adventure.  Who's to say my character (a scholar by trade) didn't circle back around later to do some in-depth study?


The Pinto Bear
(as thoroughly observed by Ionee)

The mature pinto-bear stands a good seven feet at the shoulder, and weights upwards of 1500 lbs.  As if their massive size were not advantage enough, this curiously speckled species is also equipped with retractable claws, a proto-thumb, and a rather fascinating ability to belch forth noxious gas.  The gas is not typically fatal, but will render an enemy (or prey) unconscious long enough for the pinto-bear to devour it.  If, however, the subject manages to survive being gassed, it appears as though the result is a temporary increase of intelligence.  Further study of potential medical-applications recommended.

Pinto-bears require a great deal of territory to keep themselves fed, and tend to be solitary- except during the spring and summer months, when it's not uncommon to find them living in small family groups, generally consisting of a mated pair and their cubs (2-3 is a typical whelping).  Mothers stay with their cubs for at least two years, and appear to go into season once every decade or so.  No one knows for certain the true lifespan of a pinto-bear, but given how rarely they mate, it seems safe to surmise that they live upwards of three centuries.

Their pelts are highly valued, being of a surprisingly soft texture which repels water and insulates efficiently.  The base color is a warm, almost pink-ish buff, with the spots ranging in color from burnt sienna to a brownish-black.

One last item of note, which this researcher was not able to verify: there are tales of particularly enraged pinto-bears exploding- literally, exploding into flame.  This researcher is not certain what, exactly, the benefit of such an ability would be (except perhaps as a last-ditch effort to protect offspring) nor how anyone would have survived such an event so as to tell about it.  Perhaps it is merely a part of their life cycle?  Again- further study is highly recommended.


*(don't even get me started on the crotch goblins)


  1. This is hilarious. Please, please do a natural history of more of your encounters (or potential encounters)!

    One can only imagine how horrible the crotch goblins must be. (Yes I'm trying to get you started.)

    1. Oh I will.

      And actually, a crotch goblin is not horrible at all, if you are its ally. You see, Crotch Goblin is a title, rather than a species, and it is bestowed upon a temporarily-allied goblin who kills a half-ogre via a stab to the crotch, much to the surprise of our entire party (AND the GM). But a dead half-ogre is a dead half-ogre, so we weren't complaining!

    2. For such a victory as that, the little bugger deserves to name his weapon to commemorate his moment of glory! I suggest "Crotch Goblin Surprise."

    3. I feel confident my DM will 100% be on board with that. Maybe even turn it into a Legendary Weapon for later Questing Purposes...