Do You See This Tongue in My Cheek?

To My Un-Conceived Child;

Hey, what's up.

I'm sure you weren't expecting to hear from me so soon- if ever. But here's the thing, baby. It's Mother's Day, and while I'm not your mother yet (and may not ever be, depending on my mood), there's still a possibility that I might be, someday, and I thought I ought to take this opportunity to get a head's start on passing on a bit of motherly wisdom to you. Lord knows its never too soon to start drilling it into your tiny little skull, right?

Right.

What with you not really even being a twinkle in your father's dark green eye yet, you might make the argument that I don't have much in the way of motherly wisdom to bestow. Au contraire, my tiny placenta-vampire-to-be. You see, while I may not have experience in mothering anything more complex that small furry mammals and the occasional pseudo-Byronic-hero-wannabe (don't worry- that was well before your father's time), I do have experience with having a mother.

Yeah, that's right- the woman you'll one day (theoretically) call Oma. And let me tell you, she's one smart cookie. She taught me some valuable lessons that I'm going to do my damnedest to pass on to you. Some of these will probably insult your Personhood in the beginning, but you'll get over it, and you'll be a better human being for it. Promise.

Point the first: you will never be the center of my universe. Sorry, but it's true. In fact, if you want the honest-to-god truth, you will never be the center of anyone's universe, and if you are then you'd better run like hell. Because why would you want to spend time with someone who thinks so little of themselves? Trust me on this one- you don't. Now, this is not to say that I won't love you an insane amount, and it's not to say that I won't be basing many decisions on what's best for you. I will most likely do both of those things. But there's going to be a bigger picture. And the sooner you figure that out, the easier of a time you'll have with life in general. So take notes, baby.

Here's another good one for you- you are not going to be a mini-me. Also, you are not going to be a mini-your-father. You're not really even going to be a mini-combination of the two of us (beyond some stunning good looks and superb gray matter potential). You'll pretty much be your own entirely unique you, and you're going to live your own entirely unique life. And if sometimes I seem to be forgetting that and trying to make you do what I think is right for you rather than you know what is right for you... well, don't hesitate to stand by your decisions. I'll respect you for it, even if I think you're being really, really dumb. And I'll support you in your decisions, even if I don't agree with them. And I'm kind of hoping for the same sort of slack in return here, kid. 'Cos (and this one took me almost two decades to really get, so don't feel bad if it doesn't sink in right away) your mother's only human, too.

Finally (because I think three or four major points is enough for any pre-conceived notion of a child) I'll leave you with one of the most-repeated and pertinent bits of advice your Oma has given me: hope for the best, plan for the worst. That way you're covered in both directions.

(...and yeah, I include in that generalization your theories regarding my parenting abilities...)

Love and kisses,

Your (Maybe-if-You-Play-Your-Cards-Right) Future Mom