Dear Fellow Patron of the Restaurant:

First, let me say that you are not wrong in your assessment that a baby crying in dining place is annoying. Now, I might posit that you should really give a family longer than 30 seconds to attempt to soothe said child and/or remove it from the premises, but yes, you are correct that a screaming child is obnoxious.

Not half so obnoxious, however, as a woman in her fifties(-trying-to-look-forty) who takes it upon herself to mock said child by making squalling noises of her own. Not only is that obnoxious, it is incredibly rude, awkward, and highly embarrassing for everyone witnessing it.

Did you think that perhaps the parents had not noticed their child's unhappiness? Or perhaps you felt that we, at the table next to yours, had not taken sufficient notice of it. (Well, as far as that goes you weren't entirely mistaken- it was a large family birthday gathering at the other table and I will admit I was more or less tuning them out, intent as I was on a pleasant meal with my husband, whom I had not seen in a week.) Well by golly, fellow patron, you made sure that all attention was on you when you started up with your imitation/nasty comments combo. Did you notice how the rest of the restaurant went quiet at that moment? I assure you it is not because we were joining you in giving evil looks to the family- it is because we were all staring at you, being mortified by your infantile behavior.

You see, a baby can't help but scream- they have no other way to express themselves. And parents really ought to be given a chance to do something about it before you decide to step in with your bizarre behavior. Furthermore, I must add that you really did not make a stronger case for your "martyred" status by proceeding to carry on at top volume about the many other problems in your life. I really cannot blame your beet-red dinner companion for ordering glass after glass of wine. If I had been him I probably would have just gotten the bottle, knocked you over the head with it, and made good my escape...

But then again, that might not have been dramatic enough for you.