"Wakeup."
"Mmm?"
"Wakeupwakeup!"
"M'wake!"
"They're gone! It's time to play!"
"Geeze, Rem. You're acting like this doesn't happen every day."
"But it's happening now, Nico! It's happening now!"
"That it is. And it will still be happening an hour from now. In fact, it will be happening for the next, oh, sixteen hours. So I am going back to sleep, and you can wake me when the sun goes down. In two hours."
"Fifteen."
"...what?"
"Fifteen hours, until the teacher comes back. She comes in before the kids, remember remember?"
"I am glad to see that you've finally managed to master the basics of fourth grade math. Now please let me go back to sleep."
"Okay. I guess I'll just go run on the wheel."
"Really? Really? I ask you to let me sleep, and you're going to go run on the wheel?"
"What's wrong with the wheel?"
"What's wrong wi- for the love of cheese, Rem! It squeaks! It's squeaks more than you do, and that's saying something!"
"I guess I could take a bath instead..."
"Yes, do that. Excellent idea. When in doubt, groom. Quietly."
"...Nico?"
"I am asleep."
"Yes, I know, but... my paw is stuck."
"How on earth did you- Rem, why is your paw stuck in the latch of the cage?"
"I, um... thought I might go out? So that I could play without bothering you?"
"I thought you were going to groom!"
"I was! Just... under a desk. Sometimes they leaves snacks, you know!"
"Quit squirming. How did you wedge it so far in? I swear... And yes, I know they leave snacks sometimes- who showed you how to get out in the first place? But aren't you forgetting something?"
"Ow! Thanks. Forgetting something like what?"
"Like, oh, him?"
"The janitor?"
"Yes the janitor- just how do you think he'd react to a pair of rats running around loose in the classroom?"
"But he likes us! Look, he's coming over to say hello!"
"Hey there, little guys! Say, what's wrong with your paw there, little Remmy? You hurt it or somethin'? Nicodemus, you need to take better care of your little brother! Well here, I brought you guys a treat. But shhh, don't tell Mizz Rupert, okay? She told me I'm makin' you fat with all these after-hour snacks. But I say, how can fruit make you fat? It's healthy! So you just eat up... and I'll get back to work. I'll leave a note for Mizz Rupert that somethin's wrong with your paw, okay Remmy? Be good now, little rats."
"See? He's nice! And I love apples!"
"You love everything."
"I do!"
"...I guess I may as well stay awake now, to keep you out of trouble."
"You're so nice, Nico... can we go out and play now?"
"No. Not until the building is empty. You know that."
"Oh right... what will we do once we're out?"
"The same thing we do every night, Rem."
"Try to take over the-"
"No! Quit saying that! It was barely funny the first time!"
"...sorry."
"I wish the teacher had never shown the class that show, I swear. We're just lucky we'd already been named... I'm sure I'd have ended up Pinky, with my luck."
"I like that show!"
"Of course you do."
"...so what are we going to do?"
"We're going to go look for mates."
"Why do we want mates?"
"You'll understand when we find them."
More than a little cute. Somewhat nostalgic. Nicodemus and Animaniacs. Kind of fun doing dialogue without the trappings of explanatory context, isn't it? It can be a little hard when you avoid it entirely, but you did a really good job of it. And you managed to make the majority of it very natural and keep a good flow. Also, you managed to add a third person seamlessly. Well done.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad to see your happy back here on blogspot. Didn't exactly expect you to use your actual account. Thought you didn't want to share all your writing quite so publicly. Not that you shouldn't mind you, I just thought I remembered you saying something about it is all.
The only thing I don't like about your linking to your regular blog is that it makes me a bit self-conscious about critiquing. So, for your regular squad of devoted followers: Writer's Group exercise, honor bound to honestly review...
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed the beginning. There were some great hints (mastering fourth grade math, for example) that provoked a nice retroactive hilarity. The rats had clear and well-defined personalities, and the piece had a strong and easily recognizable beginning, middle, and end; not at all easy to have such a narrative arc using pure dialogue.
I found the janitor's interaction a bit unnecessary, but this could be due entirely to the "Look, he's coming over!" introduction- it was a bit too reminiscent of Adam's "He's got a gun!" And though I understand the Pinky and the Brain reference..........................................................................................................
Adam- yeah, I guess I could have put it up on the other blog. Or the other-other blog. Geeze, I have too many blogs. But I've been mirroring all my CtW stuff here, so it seemed natural to keep doing so... however, see what I'm about to say to Katie...
ReplyDeleteKatie- good point: I didn't even think about the fact that by linking to this site I wasn't just exposing myself to the public eye (nothing new there), but all of you guys, as well. I guess the solution to that is to post feedback on the link-origin post? Hmmm... What do you think? That way you can feel free to call me a talentless hack without fear of backlash. ;P
I don't disagree with you about the janitor section- I'M GOING TO SHOOT YOU WITH THIS GUN! THIS GUN RIGHT HERE IN MY HANDS; I'M GOING TO SHOOT YOU WITH IT! ::cough:: er, I mean... yeah. Adam made some excellent points in his previous post.
(And don't you get all ellipses with ME, young lady. P&B references are brilliant- BRILLIANT!)
I've actually been planning to suggest we all begin leaving feedback on the link origin post, just because it makes it much easier to scan the homepage and see if there's anything new. As it stands, I have to go to everyone's page and root around multiple times a day (yes, I AM that obsessive about WG).
ReplyDeleteKatie I think that's a great idea, because I have the same problem with too much rooting-around- especially when you add in the personal blogs on top of the Writer's Group blog!
ReplyDelete