Yo! Movie Producers!

Okay, so, there's a story behind this atrocious story. A friend of mine is building up her design portfolio, and she asked me for "five assignments"; I got so excited I gave her fifteen. They run the gamut from serious to seriously silly, and the absolutely most ridiculous one was this:

"A poster for the romantic comedy teen flick, "What Do Teens Like, Anyway?" about a woman who is mysteriously transported into her nephew's body and must up his social status before she can return to her normal life. The catch? She falls in love mentally and emotionally with his hot male psychology professor, but her nephew's body is totally in love with the prom queen! (Oh gods I want to slap myself for coming up with this, because you just know someone will make this shit into a movie. And it will do well. ::shudder::)"

Anyway we got to texting about it today, and I said maybe I'd just flesh out that plot for tonight's entry, and so I did. Please don't judge me. If you refrain from judging me, I promise to let you come visit me in the house I buy in Hawaii using the royalties this is sure to net me...

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Seventeen-year-old Michael’s favorite cousin (actually his 29-year-old second-cousin on his dad’s side) (29 so that she can crack jokes about being only one year away from untrustworthiness) Joanie is coming for a visit and Michael couldn’t be more stoked. Joanie is a world-traveling artist and totally cool: something Michael is totally not. He’s hoping that during her extended stay she’ll give him some pointers.

Joanie arrives and Michael helps her unpack in the guest bedroom. As they do so she gives him a present she’s brought him from Japan: a daruma. She explains that it’s a wishing doll; Michael must make a wish and color in one eye. When the wish comes true he will color in the other eye. Joanie pulls out a handful of Sharpies and asks Michael what color he wants to make the eyes- she suggests brown like his own eyes, but he tells her green like hers, and colors in the eye wishing he could be as cool as Joanie. She tells him she thinks he’s pretty cool already, but she’ll do anything she can to help his wish come true.

That night Joanie has a dream in which she encounters a funny little old man who looks suspiciously like the daruma she gave Michael. The old man informs her that he’s taking her at her word to help fulfill Michael’s wish, and in the meantime he (daruma) will be taking a little holiday. Then the little old man hands her the daruma and tells her to take good care of it, reminding her to fill the other eye in once Michael’s wish becomes reality.

Green eyes flutter open and we hear Joanie thinking about her weird dream and wondering why she’s sleeping in Michael’s bedroom… She thinks she must have left a Maglite in the bed and reaches down to pull it out only to freak the hell out when she realizes what it is- and that it’s attached to her (morning wood hilarity!) Her awareness is in Michael’s body, and much jumping around and further freaking out ensues. She rushes into her room only to discover that her body is nowhere to be found, and that “she” has left a note saying something has come up and “she” will be back in a month or two. More freaking out, until she decides to find the daruma, which now has an eye the exact shade of brown as Michael’s. She tries to fill in the other eye, but it’s no use- the pigment just disappears almost as fast as she can lay it down.

Finally she accepts what must be done and goes to school, where she begins to plot Michael’s rise to popularity. The only trouble is that it turns out Joanie was never cool in high school, anyway. She didn’t really come into her own until college, and to this day doesn’t understand how the teenage mind works. Furthermore, Michael’s high school is in the suburbs, a culture she’s not really familiar with. As she struggles to adjust two people ping her radar: the first is Michael’s hot psychology teacher, Mr. Evans. The second is the beautiful but aloof prom-queen-apparent Daphne, to whom Michael’s body as a strong and undeniable attraction (erections are hilarious!).

After a couple of failed attempts at being “cool” by high school standards (including the requisite sports humiliation) Joanie decides her best bet is to win over Daphne- she figures that dating the most popular girl in school necessarily confers upon it a significant social rank. The only problem? Daphne never sees any guy more than once. Joanie at first attempts to woo Daphne “like a guy” but when that (hilariously) fails she decides to woo Daphne like she herself would like to be wooed- and is successful (during this entire time Joanie marvels at her extreme physical attraction to a girl when she has never felt any such stirrings before- contrasting it with her extreme mental/emotional attraction to Mr. Evans, whom her body is entirely indifferent toward). The courtship culminates in a sexual encounter- after which Daphne breaks down into tears and admits that she was afraid she’d never like a boy- that she’d thought she was a lesbian and that’s why she’s always been so aloof- she was afraid that people would be able to tell. But after her experience with Michael and his amazing tongue she thinks maybe she doesn’t mind sex with boys after all- although she says she feels her attraction to him is more of a mental thing. Joanie (who knows that her own attraction is based entirely in the hetero male body she’s possessing) has a long talk with her about “So what if you’re a lesbian? Screw the haters!” and the two end up agreeing to be (non-sexual) best friends.

Soon after Joanie starts noticing more and more girls giving him The Eye, and more and more guys wanting to “talk strategy”. She can’t figure out why until Daphne admits she started a rumor that Michael is the best lover she’s ever had- sort of a way to say “thanks” for helping her be comfortable with her own sexuality. It all comes to a head at prom, where Joanie winds “All-Around Best Guy”- she looks up to notice that her body is there, holding the daruma. Her body winks at her and suddenly she is staring up at dazed-looking Michael on stage, and the doll in her hands has two filled-in green eyes.

Joanie glances over and sees Mr. Evans is there chaperoning as well, and makes a move. Yay happy endings for all!

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...now, about those royalties...