You can see how this might lead to Badness. Especially when combined with the attitude of, "Well I've already screwed myself over- might as well go whole hog!"
It started with Thanksgiving, of course. I let myself have a day of indulgence. And if I'd left it at that, it probably would have been fine. But did I leave it at that? No I did not. "You're going to be in pain anyway," whispered JerkBrain. "Might as well make it worth it!"
So I had too much sugar during the Thanksgiving weekend, and I followed it up by continuing to Not Avoid Sugar, and do you know what? JerkBrain was wrong (as JerkBrain often is): it is not worth it. Last week I woke up in swollen-joint agony, and I've been dealing with that (and the Other Effects of Too Much Sugar) ever since.
The joints are bad enough, but today what I want to write about is one of the Other Effects. Namely, adrenaline surges. A few years back a doctor diagnosed me with dysautonomia, which is doctor speak for, "We don't know what the hell is wrong with you, but sometimes your autonomic nervous system just freaks out for no reason." Thanks to the change in my diet, however, I've pretty much come to realize that one of the triggers is too much sugar. Anyway, I spent most of today in what is best described as a sort of low-grade panic (even tho' I knew it was just my chemicals, and I wasn't actually afraid of anything) with the nausea and tingling that accompanies un-used adrenaline. Needless to say, climbing times could not come quickly enough, and in fact I left work early because I couldn't stand it any longer.
I got to the gym and went through my stretches (which was somewhat helpful but not really the thing) and then I got on the wall- and enjoyed almost two full hours of serenity. It was brilliant. The adrenaline was put to good use, and I stopped feeling sick. Of course, within about half an hour of leaving the surges were back, but they were reduced, and bearable once more.
The whole day has gotten me thinking about why I do the things I do. I make the lifestyle choices I do so that I will feel good- both physically and mentally. But every once in a while I forget that, and JerkBrain does its best to convince me that I am a martyr, making sacrifices and missing out on fun things and by gods I can have sugar if I want to you're not the boss of me!
Yeah. And the thing is, the seductive danger of JerkBrain is that it's right; I can have sugar if I want to, and stay up late, and drink too much, and not do my yoga. I can do all of those things- but then I have to pay the price, which JerkBrain always sort of conveniently forgets to mention. And the price just isn't worth it.
|Trying to draw my way to serenity didn't work. (I need ink and brush for that...)|