Outside: I'm so sorry this happened...
Inside: ...unless you're not. Either way, let's get drinks.
Outside: I know a card doesn't really help at a time like this...
Inside: ...just consider it a tangible token of my futile desire to provide comfort in a crap situation.
Inside: Dibs on your old clothes.
Outside: You lucky bastard.
Inside: (And I mean that in the most sucking-up way possible.)
(create a greeting card for a divorce/lost pet/gender reassignment surgery/winning the lottery)