Giving it Up

As 2012 was winding down, Nathan made the following unprompted statement:

"I'm not going to eat refined sugar or drink alcohol in 2013."

"That's great, babe," I said, because it is.  Those things are in no way good for you.  And then, because I have experience with Giving Shit Up, I added,  "But... for a whole year?  Are you sure you don't want to just start with a month?"  See, I was afraid he'd get overwhelmed and frustrated at the prospect of a whole year without these things he was accustomed to having on a daily basis, and end up not even cutting back, in the long run.

"Nope."  (Nathan does not over-think things.  It is a definite strength.)

"Okay then."  And I said I'd do it too, to support him, because I know how hard it is not to be able to indulge in what everyone else is doing.  Far, far easier to show a United Front in social situations.

So that's been going on for the past thirty-six days.  And as February drew closer I knew that I wanted to clean up my act in other ways, as well.  I'd been spending way too much time on Facebook, and was fully cognizant of the fact that I needed to cut back.

"Maybe I'll have a FB-free February," I mused, but then realized that with the impending birth of Seamonkey it's just an unreasonable expectation to imagine I won't be on there posting a zillion pictures.  No point in setting myself up to fail.  "Alright then, I'll give it up for a week.  And then after that maybe I'll just check it once or twice a week."

Satisfied with this plan, I faced Friday, February First just full of good intentions.  In fact, I woke up that morning and the very first thing to pop into my head was, Don't check Facebook!

And I didn't.  I had several urges throughout the day, but I resisted.  Same thing on Saturday, maybe a little worse.  And then it was Sunday, and Nathan and I took Isis out for a hike.  And I took an excellent shot of Nathan and all I wanted was to post it on Facebook.  And also to check things.  All the things.  People had been tagging me in things!  As I waited for Nathan in the car I said to myself,

"Self, I am a grown-ass woman.  I can check Facebook if I bloody well want to," and just as my thumb moved towards the icon, Self said,

"Seriously?  Seriously?  You can't even go three full days without checking Facebook?"

And Paranoia reared up and I put my phone away.  Because damn.

(Nathan says this looks "exactly like me".  Soooo... perhaps my Best Self Portrait Ever?)

There is addiction in my family.  I've known this since I was a little girl, and thus I've always kept a keen eye on my own addictive tendencies.  Any time I feel I'm getting too reliant on something, I quit cold turkey.  Alcohol, video games, recreational drugs- all things I've walked away from just to prove to myself that I could, just to prove that nothing rules me but myself.  I know I'm lucky that I can do this- not everyone can- and my paranoia that someday I won't be able to is probably unfounded.  But maybe it's not- maybe it's only because of my long practice of giving things up, dating back to my teenage years (soda) that I'm still able to do so.  Who knows?

Nathan got into the car and I related my little conversation with Self.

"So what you're telling me is that giving up Facebook is harder than giving up sugar?"

Apparently so.

(Although looking back at when I initially had to give up all forms of sugar, perhaps not...)